The Sims 2

If you haven't read my entry on The Sims, take a minute to do so. It'll set the tone. The mood. The climate. The, er, background stuff.

So anyway. You already know that when it comes to playing the Sims, I'm a sick, sick, sadistic freak. Doubly so with The Sims 2.

Of course I looked up the cheat codes right away. I didn't want to waste any time with making my Sim get a job, saving up money, and earning a cool house. That's for schmucks. I want free money!

And yes, my fascination with the undead continued. I created a Sim just to kill in the pool, so that there would be a haunted house.

Then I removed the ladder and watched the poor, be-mulletted bastard paddle around in the pool for days.

"Why are you watching this?" my fiance asked me more than once. I don't think I had any kind of satisfactory answer.

Now, when I found out there were vampires in The Sims 2, I was intrigued. Okay, maybe "geeked" is a better word. At first, I thought that making a vampire was just making a gothy-looking Sim. Oh, no no no. They can be an actual blood-sucking undead, bat-transforming freak.

But to make your Sim a vampire, you have to go to a community lot, find a vampire, befriend said vampire, and then MAYBE they will bite you and turn you into a vampire.

Well, fuck that. My fiance found a cheat code, and behold--there were vampires in Strangeville. Or Strange Town. Or whatever it's called.

We started with a vampire teenager. His dad was a man whose wife had left him for a vampire, was afraid of vampires, and had to live with his damn vampire son and mother. So we had some fun, and found out that our vampire teenager--transformed by the magic of a cheat code--could turn into a bat, stalk about the house, and smoke when he flew outside into the sun.

We also discovered that, when he was hungry, the vampire would make a sandwich, not eat it, and pantomime that he was hungry.

Later, we used the vampire cheat on the dad. Turns out that in The Sims 2, when all of a Sim's fears are realized, they go bat-shit crazy. As in, a psychiatrist appears to treat the Sim.

I declared this "cool."

On another vampire adventure, we decided to create a whole vampire family. A vampire mom, a vampire dad, and an adorable vampire toddler dressed in a black suit.

Well, we were able to turn the adults into vampires, but sadly, the toddler had to remain human. Even the cheat code creators have limits.

I do not.

So we build a house for this vampire family, and by some glitch I level the terrain incorrectly and make it so the family can't go inside the house. We watched as the couple burned to death in the sun, unable to figure out why they just didn't go inside the damn house, and each turned into a pile of ashes, leaving behind their infant son. The kid then crawled around outside the house for a little while, happily splashing around in a puddle of what I presume was his own urine.

Don't worry about the tot, though; a social worker came and picked him up.

Throughout the whole thing, my fiance looked on in horror. I, however, thought it was hilarious.

I'm very sick. Sick, sick, sick.