tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78851930538702276862024-02-19T10:59:09.864-05:00My Life in PixelsGames I've played, the fun things I've found in them, and the things I've learned about myself through playing them. Or something like that. It's friggin' video games, for Pete's sake.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-33020332851111841172013-06-22T16:47:00.001-04:002013-06-22T16:49:01.314-04:00Totally Rad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLKqFN-MZhbPOmbwvZGMW3L9oEj5jLQhwNhTuiw_ikoCywPbJ35L_4Mx5qcX_ffX-wN1il_OVpf0JUldJeC63Jni338lneThCn24v2ZVgAJsCBfEkEf9kkEVEMgvZXZz6p2bXjYLeIE1yH/s1600/Totally+Rad+%2528U%2529+201306221419277.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLKqFN-MZhbPOmbwvZGMW3L9oEj5jLQhwNhTuiw_ikoCywPbJ35L_4Mx5qcX_ffX-wN1il_OVpf0JUldJeC63Jni338lneThCn24v2ZVgAJsCBfEkEf9kkEVEMgvZXZz6p2bXjYLeIE1yH/s1600/Totally+Rad+%2528U%2529+201306221419277.bmp" height="375" width="400" /></a></div>
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So I started going through my NES games, looking for the next one to play, and I came across this little gem. I never played this game as a kid, and I never knew anyone who played this game as a kid, and when I played it, I could see why. But the dialogue in the game was so hilarious that I scrounged up some Game Genie codes and played my way through it.<br />
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Now, this is going to be really picture-heavy, because most of the time, this one just speaks for itself.<br />
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This is just another basic game where you control some dude who fights through legions of monsters in order to save his girlfriend. Let's get acquainted with the main characters. There's Jake:<br />
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Oops, I mean:<br />
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There we go. In this particular image, Jake is talking about his teacher, the magician Zebediah:<br />
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Zebediah might be one of the creepiest-looking mentor characters I have ever come across in a video game. In addition to that frightening, fake-smile, pedophilic countenance, the game animates his speech by just making his lips kind of twitch over his gigantic teeth. Remember when you were a kid and your mom was so angry at you that when she spoke, her teeth were clenched and her jaw didn't actually move? That's kind of the effect here. It's like Zebediah is really angry at you, but he's also some kind of freaky, super-happy Disney animation from the 1930's, so you're kind of sure he's going to come through the screen and try and eat your soul.<br />
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Also, I don't know why there's a giant P on his hat.<br />
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Now, let's introduce Allison, the girlfriend:<br />
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She, like, has totally gnarly hair.<br />
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The dialogue throughout the game is like this. Exactly like this. It's like aliens watched <i>Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure</i>, decided that was how people actually talked.<br />
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So, back to the plot: Zebediah the Creepy Magician has been teaching Jake "magic." I'm just going to keep putting that in quotation marks, because you have to wonder about this guy. Then some bad guys swoop into the scene.<br />
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The element of surprise has surprised Jake. Just look at his face there. Now, at this point you don't know who these bad guys are; they just appear. The gameplay at this point is remarkably similar to the gameplay in <i>Astyanax</i>, which had just as fucked-up a plot as this game does. As it turns out, Jaleco produced both of these games. Sadly, <i>Totally Rad</i> does not feature a jazzercising fairy; just some idiot teenagers and their weird friend.<br />
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There are five acts to the game. Each begins with an image like the one above and ends with a boss fight and some more weird dialogue. In addition, Jake here has some magic up his sleeve.<br />
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That's one of the menus you get when you hit start that lets you change what kind of magic ol' Jake is using. It took me FOREVER (forever = 20 minutes) to figure out how to use these different kinds of magic. Turned out you selected what you wanted, then hit up and B at the same time. Sometimes it would give you a suit, such as an underwater suit, a flying suit, and some kind of fox suit. Sometimes it created some big magical event that would kill a bunch of enemies. Check this out:<br />
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Okay, so the best part about taking screen shots when the screen is blinking is that you never really know what you're going to get. So the big blue guy in the corner is the magic spell. Apparently I'm using wind on a giant enemy. (You can only his his hand and part of a sword and food in this particular shot.) And there's Jake, doing some kind of Bob Fosse move there.<br />
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Here's another shot of doing one of these spells:<br />
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There's Dancing Jake, a purple enemy, and four rocks that spit pebbles. It's super useful. I guess.<br />
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Anyway. I'm throwing out screenshots in no particular order, but I was talking about Act 1. Here's the big boss:<br />
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Isn't that one of the guys from Insane Clown Posse? Which is odd, because Act 2 totally has a <i>Killer Klowns from Outer Space</i> vibe to it.<br />
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Here's your reward for making it through Act 1:<br />
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Wow, Zeb. That was blunt. But Allison's been kidnapped! Ohmygaw! What are we going to do about it?<br />
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In case you forgot, Allison's been kidnapped. Dude. By...Evil Elvis?<br />
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Here's your boss:<br />
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I really have no explanation for this thing. First you have to shoot out its leg, then the eye on its ass, and then its giant eye. This was probably one of the more bizarre bosses I've battle.<br />
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Here's most of the dialogue that follows. I'm just going to present the highlights, because there is no embellishment or exaggeration I can add to make it more awesome that it already is. <br />
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Not Photoshopped, folks.<br />
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And now...<br />
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This is one of those stupid underwater levels and comes up in every goddamn game, and it was made even worse by the fact that I didn't figure out how to make the fish suit happen until I was almost done with the level.<br />
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Anyway, the boss:<br />
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That's right, it's a giant, 8-bit angler fish. For more information on angler fish, please watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-BbpaNXbxg<br />
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There's some boring dialogue after this, where Zebediah says that the bad guys who stole Allison's dad are people from the underground who took him because they wanted to learn all they could. He does not specify what they want to learn about. But at least now, we know the bad guys aren't aliens, demons, or clowns gone to the bad.<br />
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Next act:<br />
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Hey look, the cave has eyes! Here, Jake jumps around in a cave that is lit from no discernible light sources.<br />
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Here's your boss:<br />
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What in the name of the holy mother of God is that? Oh, I know!<br />
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It's a giant, bipedal mantis shrimp!<br />
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Okay, so you put on your flying suit, and you fly up and hit the monster mantis shrimp in the face a few times, and you get some more dialogue.<br />
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Stupid Allison then goes on about how she has herself trapped in a trunk underwater, so she can't come help you save her stupid father. On to Act 5:<br />
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Oh, Jake and Allison are <i>surfers!</i> That explains a lot! I guess. But this is where we finally get to the big, giant end boss. Of course, he's going to talk your ear off before you can actually get down to business:<br />
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BLAH BLAH BLAH. Jeebis. Also, I'm not entirely sure what a "traiter" is. Is it someone who assigns traits? Because I've assigned a few traits to Zebediah, mostly in the "creepy" and "MF'er" categories. Maybe I'm the traiter.<br />
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I do tend to get sidetracked. If you're still reading this, here's the boss:<br />
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Once you shoot out his kneepads, he sprouts his own wheelchair:<br />
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And then you kill him and save the gnarliest professor on the coast. We also learn that Jake is kind of a stupid turd.<br />
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See? Stupid turd.<br />
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At this point, Zebediah leaves a letter for Jake saying that now that the evil underground emperor is gone (turns out that's who the dude with the sword and flapping cape was), he's going back underground. Aw, damn. Bye, Uncle Creepy.<br />
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Not so fast, Jakey boy. Now, remember Allison was learning magic? She asks Jake here to continue to teach her now that Zebediah is gone, and this is his unedited response.<br />
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NO, Jake. It's NOT copesetic. Because the word you're looking for is COPASETIC. Don't be such a dick to your girlfriend when you can't spell.<br />
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Anyway, we assume they live happily ever after until Allison is tired of taking Jake's shit and finally leaves him for some hippie who runs a New Age bookstore. Or maybe it's a stock broker. I don't really care.<br />
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Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-79364282271000786112013-06-18T00:14:00.005-04:002013-06-18T00:18:58.781-04:00Mega Man 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Here it comes, folks. I played Mega Man 2 for the NES. <br />
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When I started this blog, the first thing my husband said was, "Play Mega Man 2! Play Mega Man 2!" And so I put it off for, oh...three years? Four? I'm such a good wife. <br />
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Mega Man 2, for those of you not in the know like us cool kids, is obviously not the first in a series of popular platform games. The first game, my husband tells me, is ridiculously hard, so I took his advice and went straight the second game in the series.<br />
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Do you want to know how popular these games were? There were thirteen of them released for the consoles that you plug into your television, nine for handheld gaming devices, and several spinoffs. These games enraptured many a young person.<br />
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And I think I know why.<br />
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Now, I'm going to say right here that I have never hidden the fact that I use Game Genie codes (or other console-appropriate cheat codes) for the games I play for this blog simply so I can get through them in a timely manner. Also, at the age of 31, my fingers' reflexes are not what they were twenty years ago. So, of course I used codes to play through this game bit by bit over three days so I could type this thing I'm typing right now.<br />
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With the codes, which allowed my pixellated little enemies to literally stomp on me to little or no ill effect, this game was <i>hard.</i> Frigging <i>hard.</i> As in, my tongue was sticking out of the side of my mouth and I was cursing like a woman possessed at my screen <i>hard.</i> God help my husband if he so much as tried to talk to me while I was making my little blue dude jump around on the screen, because this is what he gets in return:<br />
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Also, if you are letting your small children read this...you probably shouldn't.<br />
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Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little, because he still hasn't left me. Yet. I will point out right that normally, when I'm playing these games, I will look up a walk-through when I get stuck. I didn't need one this time, because my husband has been playing this game since he was <i>nine years old.</i> And he beat it without the benefit of Game Genie codes or Internet walk-throughs, because back in <i>our</i> day, the Internet was not something that was generally available in people's houses. This was the late eighties/early nineties, darlings. At-home porn theatres (a.k.a. Internet-ready computers) would not be common for another, oh, five years or so.<br />
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Anyway, back to it. Mega Man 2 is a hard-ass game, and luckily my husband was there, pointing out various ways to defeat various bosses, because he remembered how it went.<br />
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As far as platform games go, this is pretty standard. You have a little dude and he jumps from platform to platform, killing enemies right and left, and having to make it through the occasional puzzle before getting to some amped-up boss to move on to the next boss. There is a basic plot, in which the little blue dude is some kind of robot boy helping a scientist named Dr. Light defeat an evil mad scientist named Dr. Wily.<br />
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Here are the screen shots explaining the plot in more detail:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFInqgKJeekHvvj0Fh9N1nDUjrepGwQGV7rWNFZUcrPYKgZ0cT82E_jjut1Omc7akrlS5XiE47MWf_onPgAG0ZgKTYqoCrjdVVZeg7IBTuAhn1QlRqJoK7B5EexGngN3xh1TJfEgqnhHtO/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152310506.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFInqgKJeekHvvj0Fh9N1nDUjrepGwQGV7rWNFZUcrPYKgZ0cT82E_jjut1Omc7akrlS5XiE47MWf_onPgAG0ZgKTYqoCrjdVVZeg7IBTuAhn1QlRqJoK7B5EexGngN3xh1TJfEgqnhHtO/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152310506.bmp" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixrmftfpT39yFlfjEiyc7ULp2tlQJ6rVAdLjSyoUk0RkH96DRQ9BWY_T0GO1cIS6kaAD1WvuD4JcZ33oRWGKjgTGtZfVAhn6vmjngCm07EyzS6wk3vBf1_gheRWqjrn0s50nBDA5MTy67V/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152310565.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixrmftfpT39yFlfjEiyc7ULp2tlQJ6rVAdLjSyoUk0RkH96DRQ9BWY_T0GO1cIS6kaAD1WvuD4JcZ33oRWGKjgTGtZfVAhn6vmjngCm07EyzS6wk3vBf1_gheRWqjrn0s50nBDA5MTy67V/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152310565.bmp" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-kYarVA3yK7CiLdfibez3tCpHR6fqDTyBUBdVh_HUNiH_OZTp4iCO-7LK-7AGIvTyO02q2P-hxlZfOENrTZxE3yKJoAlo0zENJQGbiQSib-qFiIwCYJsmu0go5-o8EFjuGaQyGST_Sx8b/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152311017.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-kYarVA3yK7CiLdfibez3tCpHR6fqDTyBUBdVh_HUNiH_OZTp4iCO-7LK-7AGIvTyO02q2P-hxlZfOENrTZxE3yKJoAlo0zENJQGbiQSib-qFiIwCYJsmu0go5-o8EFjuGaQyGST_Sx8b/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152311017.bmp" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7Z_fHUjrvvVfBjg-5GBAFcR6mJjsaLVg_q7-r_WuJnAJAR-7Y-bMYKNsxkn-r44GAXYFrSVx0ccC_5weJZIZdl-X4HWrC2kv7iPU4F1JOUvx3Nanx8IQj72IoUk9oM0Qj-VTfkMUFSI7z/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152311070.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7Z_fHUjrvvVfBjg-5GBAFcR6mJjsaLVg_q7-r_WuJnAJAR-7Y-bMYKNsxkn-r44GAXYFrSVx0ccC_5weJZIZdl-X4HWrC2kv7iPU4F1JOUvx3Nanx8IQj72IoUk9oM0Qj-VTfkMUFSI7z/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152311070.bmp" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVnURoy_fhbcePWShiIA88gYNwWvzj97t_vgxQDLrOgOxB5Zy3VTjA1PqcvAi_Ff2_b3HkGTfYHAffMVJAp-yVz4knqTWYizl2IZyO3KxHHlANGf7WUksYu2dOLisMpVai5dliB29OJf-o/s1600/Mega+Man+2+%2528U%2529+201306152311124.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVnURoy_fhbcePWShiIA88gYNwWvzj97t_vgxQDLrOgOxB5Zy3VTjA1PqcvAi_Ff2_b3HkGTfYHAffMVJAp-yVz4knqTWYizl2IZyO3KxHHlANGf7WUksYu2dOLisMpVai5dliB29OJf-o/s1600/Mega+Man+2+%2528U%2529+201306152311124.bmp" /></a></div>
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OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THIS GAME HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. <br />
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What I think makes the game so fun--especially for kids who were playing this game without the cheat codes or a friend to guide them--was that the enemies keep regenerating and coming, and sometimes it can be a puzzle to figure out which weapon is going to kill the boss. I imagine that when you finally did defeat the boss of a level, it wasn't just a video game victory; it was a sense of accomplishment. Because let me tell you, even with the cheat codes on, most of these challenges took me several tries to complete.<br />
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At the beginning of the game, you get to choose which boss's level you start with first on this screen:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXkmuBf00knf_RoJZUvMnIXFX1zXlbEo2Q6OElGNZAcA8zU-mlkpLCBVjQ0nPR_n6VFqX79tcbvgEgNVjn7FMGxG3cYu8kc-NMGXUG4Qk6oNv5VnD5sKRwz2pv3ukmlnWlvMANxTzevoIN/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152312454.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="375" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXkmuBf00knf_RoJZUvMnIXFX1zXlbEo2Q6OElGNZAcA8zU-mlkpLCBVjQ0nPR_n6VFqX79tcbvgEgNVjn7FMGxG3cYu8kc-NMGXUG4Qk6oNv5VnD5sKRwz2pv3ukmlnWlvMANxTzevoIN/s400/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306152312454.bmp" width="400" /></a></div>
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They all have their special abilities, generally indicated by their name. And my husband is right: Flash Man does look really pissed off about something. If any of these guys has a reason to be really mad, I would say it's Air Man. His torso is basically eyes and a big gaping fan where you'd think a mouth would be.<br />
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You know, as I look at that image there, I'm thinking Wood Man looks like he might be having some gastrointestinal distress, and Heat Man looks kind of high.<br />
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Okay, so you can pick any of these guys you want, and when you defeat a boss, you get his weapon. In some cases, those boss weapons are the only things that can be used to defeat other bosses, so my husband's guidance in where to go and in what sequence was really helpful here.<br />
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Beyond that, there's not much to tell. You pick a level, you defeat the boss, and you hit Dr. Wily last, where you make your way through his weird-ass palace and the various robots he sets out to trip you up. Here's the weird-ass palace:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNbNyNFECphyG_Sg7Y_qj3Jqx2eOTMFOccA1H_dWKqQcfFcQl92kmezxiQ-uUTECu-7b-SSEoAJQU71iIvzMFvVfKTt3PlAuy3zL-yVizMbEwHy9lrNIoVojEEppXRm2G65i-7Si26FgaC/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306162145381.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNbNyNFECphyG_Sg7Y_qj3Jqx2eOTMFOccA1H_dWKqQcfFcQl92kmezxiQ-uUTECu-7b-SSEoAJQU71iIvzMFvVfKTt3PlAuy3zL-yVizMbEwHy9lrNIoVojEEppXRm2G65i-7Si26FgaC/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306162145381.bmp" /></a></div>
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Here's one of the palace bosses that made me realize that my reflexes REALLY suck: <br />
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I'll let you play the game yourself to find out why. Normally this is where I post a bunch of shots of the main villain and the art you get as a reward for completing the game, but I'm not going to do that this time. The fun in Mega Man 2 lies in actually playing it and beating it with your own hands, so I'm not going to spoil the surprises. Go forth and play it if you haven't already when you were a kid. You'll have fun, I promise.<br />
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While I was playing this game, I had a chance to think about just all of the weird stuff that we as players swallow in order to get through a game. Sure, there has to be some kind of a story line to make you feel like you're reaching for a goal; otherwise, you're basically just running around a slaughtering/destroying things for shits and giggles.<br />
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When you think about the stories that come up for video game play, they are really weird. I mean, <i>really</i> weird. Let's think about this one for a minute: Some scientist builds a robot boy basically to destroy another scientist's creations. Maybe there's more to that story that was revealed in the first game, but if you take out the whole good-evil biases, it's one guy building stuff to destroy another guy's stuff. Or maybe in this case, it's about a creation defending itself against the onslaught of a creator whose shit had been broken.<br />
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And now we're probably getting into Greek mythology or something here, but the basics remain the same: The pawns that we are playing with, as video games, mostly exist to destroy things in platform games. Mario crushed Goombas and Koopa Troopers, the Bad Dudes slaughtered ninjas, and Mega Man blasts apart robots. Even poor, deformed robots with fans where their mouths should go.<br />
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It's just what happens in video games.<br />
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There's one other weird thing that happens in these older platform games. By their very nature, there are supposed to be things that you jump onto and off of to complete a puzzle or get through a level. We just accept that they are there, and that they are to be used to achieve a goal.<br />
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I understand that's how video games work. But because I drink Coke right before bed time, I lie awake and think about these things..<br />
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Let's consider this image:<br />
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Just look at that for a second. This is from the Wood Man level, and it would appear that the platforms are bamboo poles or something that demonic robot gorillas grasp and swing around on. I assume that this is happening high up, because we can see the top of the trees. So...<i>what the hell is holding up that pole??</i> It's just suspended in mid-air, magically hanging right where we are supposed to be right at that moment.</div>
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And let's take a good look at this one, too:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMj_CCYBNe6BtGucXs1-5SYtPykfL5NqafHVxPH-JNW6wBukGO1BoBCc1okV7qbaexLsmkc7ERjxiihVnZantBUY5pTXrIesMwXOGEnVnYN2uZGxOXBPP2V_wcXbUUY6AvKHi-RHYhuuo-/s1600/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306162221241.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="375" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMj_CCYBNe6BtGucXs1-5SYtPykfL5NqafHVxPH-JNW6wBukGO1BoBCc1okV7qbaexLsmkc7ERjxiihVnZantBUY5pTXrIesMwXOGEnVnYN2uZGxOXBPP2V_wcXbUUY6AvKHi-RHYhuuo-/s400/Mega+Man+2+(U)+201306162221241.bmp" width="400" /></a></div>
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Who the hell puts spikes in water where people go swimming? Hmm? Answer me that!<br />
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I know, I know, it's just a video game. Everything in it was simply designed to be fun with the graphics level and machine memory capabilities that were available at the time. I should just calm down and stop thinking about it. At times like this, when I chew on the improbably of something that isn't even real too much, I turn to a favorite show for advice:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWbhttIRsn9mEbx-fftnLBNW6CUuEuZZlqFSPqAU4FCni3vXihZILfBMmt8KQlFCrLgdR9VTE-e6sWb7VAE5HzwEobb6cB8t2t3w-2Sry605rUXaSXQliEq5HPdZJmsSuNnJYXKMomtnnD/s1600/satelliteofllove.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWbhttIRsn9mEbx-fftnLBNW6CUuEuZZlqFSPqAU4FCni3vXihZILfBMmt8KQlFCrLgdR9VTE-e6sWb7VAE5HzwEobb6cB8t2t3w-2Sry605rUXaSXQliEq5HPdZJmsSuNnJYXKMomtnnD/s400/satelliteofllove.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i>Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,</i></div>
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<i>I should really just relax."</i></div>
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Oh, such words of infinite wisdom.<i> </i></div>
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<br />Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-7339244082596068492012-01-17T20:59:00.000-05:002012-01-17T21:01:29.791-05:00Earthbound<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:donotoptimizeforbrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">Earthbound: SNES</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Well, folks, you’re going to have to settle for a game review without pictures, because I’m not entirely sure where the screen shots for the SNES games get saved.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">This time, gentle readers, we will be exploring Earthbound, a game brought to my attention by my friend Mike. The basic plot of this game, titled “Mother 2: The War Against Giygas” in its original Japanese, follows the adventures of a young man and his battles to save the world from an evil entity named Giygas. Along the way, the main character picks up three friends, and together, with the help of the person mashing buttons on the controller, defeat the evil Giygas and save humanity.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">If you’ve been following this blog, then you will probably have figured out by now that Earthbound is exactly the kind of game I like to play. It was an incredibly fun game, with enemies with odd names (Unassuming Local Man and New Age Retro Hippie were my favorites) that always kept me looking forward to the next encounter. More on those later, though.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Now, you get to name all of the characters that you pick up along the way, so for your reference, here’s what I named mine:</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Main kid: Dood</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Obligatory female: Mazie</p><p class="MsoNormal">Nerd kid: Fark</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Asian royal kid: Meaty</p> <p class="MsoNormal">(If you look this game up on the Internet, the kids’ names are respectively supposed to be Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo.)</p> <p class="MsoNormal">You also get to name the family dog and identify your favorite food, so that it can be referenced throughout the game. I named the dog Dawgg, and the mother character kept telling me to relax and eat some cheese. (Note that I kept all the names I created in capital letters, so DOOD was always told to go eat some CHEESE.)</p> <p class="MsoNormal">The whole thing starts out when a meteor crashes into the hillside near Dood’s home town of Onett. Everyone in the house wakes up, and Dood, who I would guess to be about ten, gets it in his head to go outside and investigate. Somehow, his mother is just fine with her young son going out in the middle of the night, armed only with a broken baseball bat and red cap, to find something that had PLUMMETTED TO THE EARTH FROM OUTER SPACE and was covered in who knows what kind of germs.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">So anyway, Dood ventures out, and is attacked by several animals along the way, including snakes, stray dogs, and crows that steal your shit. Good times. You make your way up the hill and come across Onett resident Lier X. Agerate, who is digging for treasure. He is only of minimal importance. Anyway, Dood makes it to the crash site, which is blocked off by a police barricade, and runs into his neighbor Pokey, who is a chubby little douchebag who has a bowl haircut and tells Dood to bugger off. Dood goes home and goes back out later to find the neighbor kid, makes it to the meteorite, and meets up with a space bug appropriately named Buzz Buzz (no, I did not name that one), who informs Dood that he is the Chosen One who will Save All Humanity, and that he will teach Dood all of the Lessons he needs to Save All Humanity.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Dood goes to take the neighbor kid home, and Buzz Buzz is consequently mistaken for a dung beetle by Mrs. Neighbor and meets an untimely and undignified end. And so Dood must make the journey to become strong enough to conquer the evil Giygas on his own.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Again, his mother has no problem with him heading out into the world to fight dangerous monsters and, along the way, pick up a girl from a preschool, a nerd from a boarding school, and most mysteriously of all, a prince from some far-east country.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">The mechanics of the game are your basic turn-by-turn RPG. Don’t have fast reflexes on the controllers? Doesn’t matter. You just set up your orders and the processor does the fighting for you, saving your thumbs a few more years from gaming-induced arthritis. Each character has hit points (HP), determining how much damage they can take from an enemy, and psi points (PP, haha) that can be used in attacks or for some restorative purpose. The only kid who doesn’t have PP is the nerd, who can fix broken things and turn them into new, useful objects.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Each kid has his/her own unique abilities. Main kid can, um, really swing a bat; obligatory female has super-psychic and has a “pray” ability that can be used in battle; nerd kid can…do nerd kid stuff; Asian royal kid has mysterious Asian powers. (Insert Señor Chang doing his “mysterious, inscrutable” bit here.) Of course, all these things are useful to the game, and the girl’s “pray” option is really only useful at the very end of the game.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">As I mentioned before, the gameplay involves a journey where Dood (“main kid”) has to find eight special places and learn a song, and picks up the other three urchins along the way. You meet a lot of interesting characters, such as:</p> <p class="MsoNormal">1. Two inventors called Apple Kid and Orange Kid. Orange Kid’s a dick.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">2. The Mr. Saturns, who speak in the most inscrutable font you will ever come across and say things like “boing” and “zoom” a lot. They’re about as useful as they sound.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">3. Geldegarde Monotoli. I have included him just because he has a funny name.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">4. Dood’s dad, who exists only as a telephone call, but will ring Dood up while he’s in the middle of something to tell him to take a rest. I enjoy this the most simply because it’s as if the game designers thought their game would be so absorbing that the children playing it would forget to eat or use the toilet.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">5. The Runaway Five, which is a band that keeps reappearing in different locations throughout the game. The kids bail them out of debt twice, and they are the 16-bit version of the Blues Brothers. The really peculiar thing about this group is that backstage, there are five members, but when you see their stage performances, there are six people. Go figure.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">And you meet a lot of enemies with some very interesting names, such as:</p> <p class="MsoNormal">1. Skate Punk.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">2. Yes Man Jr. (You never meet Yes Man Sr. that I know of.)</p> <p class="MsoNormal">3. Evil Ramblin’ Mushroom, which can make you grow a mushroom out of your head.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">4. New Age Retro Hippie.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">5. Unassuming Local Man.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">6. Li’l UFO, whose special ability is to give you a cold.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">7. Putrid Moldyman.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">8. Worthless Protoplasm.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">9. Mini Barf—and yes, this is exactly what you think it is.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">10. Lethal Asp Hieroglyph, which is only one of three different kinds of hierglyphs that can come off of the pyramid walls and attack you.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">11. Mr. Molecule, which sounds like something that should have been on Mr. Wizard or Bill Nye the Science Guy.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Pokey will pop up throughout the game and say rude things because he’s a douchebag who—gasp!—works for Giygas.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Oh yeah…the nerd kid’s dad informs the group that Giygas has somehow retreated to the past and is attacking from there, and the only way the group can get to him is to put their souls into robots to get into some special pod to get to where Giygas is. Of course, there’s the caveat that they might not be able to return to their bodies, blah blah blah…it all works out in the end. Don’t worry. Unless you don’t defeat Giygas, in which case All Of Humanity dies.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">At the end, when the Big Bad Boss is finally defeated, you get to go home and eat some CHEESE. Your mom is all kinds of proud of you, and it would seem she never had a problem with her ten-year-old kid (or however old he’s supposed to be ) gallivanting across the country, turning into a robot to go back through time because a flesh-and-bones body couldn’t do it, and coming back as if nothing happened. It was kind of a sad moment, because I had spent so much time playing the game. I would definitely recommend a play-through.</p>Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-3874461448989997212011-09-20T18:38:00.005-04:002011-09-20T18:45:05.296-04:00How I Failed My HusbandSo, here's what happened:<br /><br />I got all excited, submitted my article to chickswithjoysticks.com, and couldn't figure out how to submit an image with it.<br /><br />Now, Jeremy had made this really awesome image to go with the article, and since I screwed up and didn't get it on that website, I'm going to post it here for all to see, because he really did put a lot of thought into it.<br /><br />Observe:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_zsYz28OYdtora2w-3t4pUv-rNRB1ASJQy7QKC8cPruoAZsTkQFiewAKJG4xJJu9Iw0JMGLgZsGE0xP3Xz2MAaPXLFTNzJ1T2JoBObOrw9JewF0AFz3t5lkD-2t6xVmDLflydl1_AgzMH/s1600/store.png"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 388px; height: 145px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_zsYz28OYdtora2w-3t4pUv-rNRB1ASJQy7QKC8cPruoAZsTkQFiewAKJG4xJJu9Iw0JMGLgZsGE0xP3Xz2MAaPXLFTNzJ1T2JoBObOrw9JewF0AFz3t5lkD-2t6xVmDLflydl1_AgzMH/s400/store.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654575410430751474" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Make sure you get a good look at the posters. Let this be standing evidence that I married a truly awesome guy who just wanted to support my hobby. If you like this, please shower him with praise on his Facebook wall.<br /><br />This is what it was supposed to adorn:<br />http://chickswithjoysticks.com/?p=284Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-48147595011744066732011-08-16T22:21:00.025-04:002011-08-17T19:05:22.856-04:00Astyanax<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-pnTRjY-UZBMTtwRg9mxUVrSQy6JHY0rr7EABT0hHEcCumw-hRcm8Se00rPVRKXIfCkiOE6yJ-EkC3msaAQ0aJGOkUN8iDA2iOkZWYyioXgXYzWw6hlQCtHXtC5oMfe-ihoTWyDlrdCrA/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162054140.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-pnTRjY-UZBMTtwRg9mxUVrSQy6JHY0rr7EABT0hHEcCumw-hRcm8Se00rPVRKXIfCkiOE6yJ-EkC3msaAQ0aJGOkUN8iDA2iOkZWYyioXgXYzWw6hlQCtHXtC5oMfe-ihoTWyDlrdCrA/s320/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162054140.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641644799114416162" border="0" /></a>
<br />Well, I'm back after a blogging hiatus! For your reading pleasure, I played through the game<span style="font-style: italic;"> Astyanax</span>, the title screen of which is displayed above for your viewing pleasure.
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<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Astyanax</span> was one of the games that came in a box of NES games that we were given long ago, in the early 1990s, by some friends of the family. There were some classic gems in there, like <span style="font-style: italic;">Super Mario Bros. </span>1 and 3, and the two NES Zelda games.
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<br />And then there were games like this one. Games that might have languished, forgotten on some shelf, if they had not ended up in the room of a eleven-year-old girl who thought it was better to sit inside and play video games during summer vacation than to do something more productive, like go outside in the sunshine and let my body manufacture some vitamin D.
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<br />As a kid, the farthest I ever got in this game was the first big boss. It's quite difficult in gameplay, because the computer essential just pelts you with repeating enemy after enemy, and they don't stop coming until you move. (Sorry, <span style="font-style: italic;">Jurassic Park</span> fans: The enemy <span style="font-style: italic;">will</span> see if you stand perfectly still.)
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<br />I decided to save myself the headache in re-playing this game for the blog and got myself some Game Genie codes and completed the game in the span of an hour. And I would say about half of the time I spent playing was devoted to the plot of the game.
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<br />Of course, with this being a fantasy game, the end goal is to save a princess. This particular lady is named Rosebud, and it turns out she's been contacting the title character through his dreams and interrupting his time palling about with his high school gang of kids who roll up the sleeves of their T-shirts.
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ0Qny6UvKOLmFsXlJSl4IEoWtDTflEA5Dj9qAjDvuAB_C-9kdq-0BeGysZ_X0DIiIMeZUgJzVTdSj825MmkV1irvqnApRlOv8D9gfDFVdYRkC0V1ljEuUBGn2J5TlewZzE-VU3HCSlQc_/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162053100.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ0Qny6UvKOLmFsXlJSl4IEoWtDTflEA5Dj9qAjDvuAB_C-9kdq-0BeGysZ_X0DIiIMeZUgJzVTdSj825MmkV1irvqnApRlOv8D9gfDFVdYRkC0V1ljEuUBGn2J5TlewZzE-VU3HCSlQc_/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162053100.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641648309067591330" border="0" /></a>
<br />Yes, yes, Astyanax, very good. He then goes on to tell us that his name comes from Greek mythology.
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<br />Now, keep in mind this kid will, through the course of the game, become a powerful hero. Because that's what happens in games like this. But let's take a look at the Greek legend, and who he was, and what he did.
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<br />According to Wikipedia, Astyanax was the infant son of Hector of Troy and was murdered by the invading Greeks, who were worried that as the son of the heir to Troy's throne, Astyanax would grow up and want revenge when he reached adulthood. Now, Wikipedia offers a few different versions of how the infant actually dies. In some cited literature, the Greeks throw Astyanax from the city walls. In another version of the tale, the Greek Neoptolemus ended up clubbing the Trojan king Priam to death with Astyanax's dead body.
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<br />What a wonderful choice for the name of a video game hero.
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<br />Anyway, back to the plot:
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<br />So young Astyanax (the one that wasn't thrown from the walls of Troy or used as a deadly weapon) keeps having dreams that some hot chick is calling his name, which probably isn't all that unusual for a teenage boy.
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEXVLgwkyc0zOWJHcFKIlzf6GcYvphyphenhyphenYnnZlfVUv8VKxIeCWroTn2mvcZ1tW19cIm4jIFCnEsrBEf1ohY5HfM88TBCV4f_9aekea1qGlWQ0ICvwiLdyDyXttsJt7LHgiLjannvOzqccTYY/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162052536.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEXVLgwkyc0zOWJHcFKIlzf6GcYvphyphenhyphenYnnZlfVUv8VKxIeCWroTn2mvcZ1tW19cIm4jIFCnEsrBEf1ohY5HfM88TBCV4f_9aekea1qGlWQ0ICvwiLdyDyXttsJt7LHgiLjannvOzqccTYY/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162052536.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641650492530973266" border="0" /></a>Yeesh. You can draw all kinds of lewd conclusions here.
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<br />So anyway, one day, Astyanax is walking around, minding his own damn business, and gets yanked into some crazy fantasy land by a Jazzercizing fairy named Cutie, who begs him to save the princess of Remlia, Rosebud, who is incidentally the hot chick that Astyanax has been dreaming about.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxhvX2eyKyQkI1IDk46XbCRBh9cz79EHHmYgvb40NTzSYJk8OAqe6gCNnRhh9lL9AKbMODZc3DlDGeRaIeel3iK3xWVaokSqcvw17r8b5Mpxv5DsKa4oa3j6KxznonfhBKNprJiJEXbv_4/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162055310.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxhvX2eyKyQkI1IDk46XbCRBh9cz79EHHmYgvb40NTzSYJk8OAqe6gCNnRhh9lL9AKbMODZc3DlDGeRaIeel3iK3xWVaokSqcvw17r8b5Mpxv5DsKa4oa3j6KxznonfhBKNprJiJEXbv_4/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162055310.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641651494957424754" border="0" /></a>Check out those leg warmers! Now, I'd like to add something here. It looks to me like Cutie's got grasshopper wings, and in a second here, Astyanax asks her if she's a talking butterfly. Sounds like someone didn't pay attention during the entymology unit...
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<br />Anyway.
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<br />And Astyanax himself is suddenly dressed in battle armor. Observe:
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsUU4-SIuc7CIkj3FoWCfMZAyOQ39DSzUxXBV7nOA7DIt-rpVib8Ji4zTQZArM_DltN9gENs_LzraQ_zZL2zvts77inVOdf5xeESj1BEXhtZjFqi7ZvIgY-QEyFZ_puOdnuco14wMHtLw8/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162054490.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsUU4-SIuc7CIkj3FoWCfMZAyOQ39DSzUxXBV7nOA7DIt-rpVib8Ji4zTQZArM_DltN9gENs_LzraQ_zZL2zvts77inVOdf5xeESj1BEXhtZjFqi7ZvIgY-QEyFZ_puOdnuco14wMHtLw8/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162054490.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641652076652208210" border="0" /></a>
<br />I was left wondering, after Cutie somehow poofed away a minor's clothes and replaced them with armor, why she didn't poof him a pair of pants. That's a little creepy.
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<br />Anyway, back to the plot. Turns out Rosebud's been kidnapped as part of some nefarious plot by the evil sorcerer Blackhorn, who wants to take Rosebud's power, whatever that is. You never really find out. All you know is that some freaky little fairy kidnapped a teenage boy and told him that he had to save a princess and sent him into the world without pants to fight monsters.
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<br />So here's Blackhorn, and his henchman, who I'm going to call Skeletor:
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhYv4QQjc2jajDR9AVaGKXaUc8QujG15_6P_lgHPOw743Kj9rL73yH6p1KLAP3S6CuIo5v8imWR0tDvLLii-l_HlbDo6v7fLDMRCM62JCLsok5ZiGkmlixsNSPol8g1c9_j_ggAe9f_074/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162108397.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhYv4QQjc2jajDR9AVaGKXaUc8QujG15_6P_lgHPOw743Kj9rL73yH6p1KLAP3S6CuIo5v8imWR0tDvLLii-l_HlbDo6v7fLDMRCM62JCLsok5ZiGkmlixsNSPol8g1c9_j_ggAe9f_074/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162108397.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641654202173690098" border="0" /></a>That's Blackhorn. He is white, orange, and green. If you're having trouble figuring out what he looks like from that image, it's because YOU SHOULD NOT USE ORANGE AS AN OUTLINING COLOR.
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<br />And the henchman:
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaGKFrnEoR7VgOkvhLpIx9bUQoESPtjKabKV9kZKQxCgWfgjMqD6oswdX5E9E-y04NhfDVxj10fpsGFHfMSulYiTbedwfG3m_OF1TKpS-Cvz4WXugZcbpYu_HsbHZi0mgAnZ1ZChLEC-b5/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162108559.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaGKFrnEoR7VgOkvhLpIx9bUQoESPtjKabKV9kZKQxCgWfgjMqD6oswdX5E9E-y04NhfDVxj10fpsGFHfMSulYiTbedwfG3m_OF1TKpS-Cvz4WXugZcbpYu_HsbHZi0mgAnZ1ZChLEC-b5/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162108559.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641654921529879538" border="0" /></a>He has a name, but I forgot what it was. So he'll be known as Skeletor.
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<br />So basically, the big bad guys are pissed off that Astyanax killed the first big monster, a creature ridden by some little freak in armor. The creature's head comes off and flies around, and you have to hit it with the weapon until you have to fight the freak in armor.
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<br />All of the major boss fights are like this: Some monster comes in from the right, and it moves back and forth and spits things at you until you whack it in the head enough times to kill it. (Alternately, some monsters have a jewel embedded in their chest that you have hit. But they still move back and forth across the screen.)
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<br />As the game progresses, you get more hemming and hawing from the incredulous bad guys, and we're treated to a bonding moment between Astyanax and Cutie:
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3hhkCRIhyphenhyphentUSwbRJYY5Z8J29YlLzxfx2vP04ZpLhS3KU8ZOab5P9T2Cxcc4XGCVoqXWFfhEijOg19KPdgcFw5JdFRPIqx2CSXB3xdZLeKkczJhxtqLg48tM5EjVO2zYcAVKzjhgm_BzNc/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162115383.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3hhkCRIhyphenhyphentUSwbRJYY5Z8J29YlLzxfx2vP04ZpLhS3KU8ZOab5P9T2Cxcc4XGCVoqXWFfhEijOg19KPdgcFw5JdFRPIqx2CSXB3xdZLeKkczJhxtqLg48tM5EjVO2zYcAVKzjhgm_BzNc/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162115383.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641656992420480994" border="0" /></a>
<br />The whole conversation takes place while Cutie, who also has no pants, is sitting provactively on Astyanax's shoulder. She asks him a very obvious question--if he's homesick. Of course, he answers that yes, he is. Cutie offers to guide him through some Jazzercize routines, but he politely turns her down.
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<br />Now, if I was actually put in that situation--that is to say, some magical little creature plucked me away from everything that was familiar and dropped me, pantsless, into a strange land and forced me to fight a bunch of damn monsters--I would not be having a civil conversation around a campfire. Oh, no. I would demand a pair of pants and march straight home.
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<br />But not the boy who is named after a legendary prince who was thrown from the walls of Troy or maybe also used as a blunt object in the murder of his grandfather! He seems to be just fine with all of this.
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<br />Anyway. Then you fight some more monsters and come to the big battles at the end of the game. Of course, the first battle is against Skeletor. (As I'm looking through my screenshots, I see that his actual name is Thorndog. I'm sticking with Skeletor.)
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<br />So Astyanax fights and defeats Skeletor, but that wily bastard has a trick up his sleeve! He does some magical thing that makes it so Astyanax has to die as Skeletor is dying.
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<br />But wait! It turns out that Cutie is more than a flying aerobics instructor! She somehow trades places and dies with Skeletor instead of poor, pantsless Astyanax.
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<br />And here, we can see Astyanax go through the four video game stages of grief:
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<br /><div style="text-align: center;">1. Bargaining
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<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3IOnYpUkG-p52IXRJRm5Yh87d6_rXwf0l_-Zq90cdjPukRD6H7t6azAquZZWx5V9zs-YWU8a9CJcojqmICb34HWZdjVeKzbsx47BQpmEeSVyVKoxLSD379qm5H0eSv4Ou8O4YeruDcGqJ/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162151572.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3IOnYpUkG-p52IXRJRm5Yh87d6_rXwf0l_-Zq90cdjPukRD6H7t6azAquZZWx5V9zs-YWU8a9CJcojqmICb34HWZdjVeKzbsx47BQpmEeSVyVKoxLSD379qm5H0eSv4Ou8O4YeruDcGqJ/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162151572.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641659752093809442" border="0" /></a>
<br />2. Anger
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFsW1B9FNYQKcmC7rgwfxPqSGG4dTqG2mrJx65pgh8Ud9NL3V2kunY-jv7pwmKol93mRYsL02nm2tl1u3Gd_6MzNdKOjwVEFdRYq0w61XclhCahZLEOdCe0F710K2pFLNNfmO0a6bzpBPx/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162152431.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFsW1B9FNYQKcmC7rgwfxPqSGG4dTqG2mrJx65pgh8Ud9NL3V2kunY-jv7pwmKol93mRYsL02nm2tl1u3Gd_6MzNdKOjwVEFdRYq0w61XclhCahZLEOdCe0F710K2pFLNNfmO0a6bzpBPx/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162152431.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641659951465766434" border="0" /></a>
<br /><div style="text-align: center;">3. Denial
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<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguaolK_LuTF3FKsykX646FN6sZu85W6lYWjjiU1DdOXIvuVG9nhOIVtI0DY3UAwjX-iFRBmVMKm8to4evAAHtqS8PaGp10awt5SC8NnqibeBQPyAelPAw_99s4s3a_Th3UXYKsVmphGAIk/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162152516.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguaolK_LuTF3FKsykX646FN6sZu85W6lYWjjiU1DdOXIvuVG9nhOIVtI0DY3UAwjX-iFRBmVMKm8to4evAAHtqS8PaGp10awt5SC8NnqibeBQPyAelPAw_99s4s3a_Th3UXYKsVmphGAIk/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162152516.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641660407008463794" border="0" /></a>
<br />4. Vowing revenge
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi6hUePoxQav8rjOJMm8tfq5YgIdly_ggxO0WAeD2S9pzJbTFKzIFcJP5YbO0XYV9H713rLje8pvy9LcftPlMRkbxANOYzbrrBJ1Qhhu5QSVcw4DYsABP827WBvwLYeApqL9ty3AtkteFo/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162152589.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi6hUePoxQav8rjOJMm8tfq5YgIdly_ggxO0WAeD2S9pzJbTFKzIFcJP5YbO0XYV9H713rLje8pvy9LcftPlMRkbxANOYzbrrBJ1Qhhu5QSVcw4DYsABP827WBvwLYeApqL9ty3AtkteFo/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162152589.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641660642118954018" border="0" /></a>
<br />Of course, Blackhorn <span style="font-style: italic;">does</span> die, because I used Game Genie codes.
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<br />So anyway, Astyanax rescues the hot chick/princess, and she wants to take him back to her homeland for a celebration. He refuses and asks if she can please just send him home where he can put on some damn pants.
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<br />But wait, dear reader! This is no tragedy!
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<br />Astyanax goes back home, hangs out with his gang some more, and is once again walking down the street, minding his own business, when...
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSSfHGUbcogoJ3vNmjegFsyZL3Crh790wFeJHgM18ZcdbZKnlaVmAJuMyPEx1N56dZGA21JBgUQseldge2DjQyfjhEVzLR3p6CmienBAOvlXLzoP2J4zBSq4Z1gnCPEB17Cure1NI0NlJi/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162200157.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSSfHGUbcogoJ3vNmjegFsyZL3Crh790wFeJHgM18ZcdbZKnlaVmAJuMyPEx1N56dZGA21JBgUQseldge2DjQyfjhEVzLR3p6CmienBAOvlXLzoP2J4zBSq4Z1gnCPEB17Cure1NI0NlJi/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162200157.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641661876667254354" border="0" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBVVsgEk3MOX0gt_tAb3r6lMzBPLt6IgbmWFegcj-XxXki03lIKEHRX1P7Dg6F4AEk5faA7f8GajhcFZ91oTPcAiGkb73RITXpkCRD7kQ8sa6o7I7ElAPKjcjX2_0s_HzxePIF9x3emKge/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162200207.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBVVsgEk3MOX0gt_tAb3r6lMzBPLt6IgbmWFegcj-XxXki03lIKEHRX1P7Dg6F4AEk5faA7f8GajhcFZ91oTPcAiGkb73RITXpkCRD7kQ8sa6o7I7ElAPKjcjX2_0s_HzxePIF9x3emKge/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162200207.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641662804478115282" border="0" /></a>
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqb_kxS5CyRCCai71EqpozVQ_NAY7xRrRLl6ieeNo-nvV0wtHD_wed5JoF-jeI4_BeBhSNTv1rIJF9HTSgD6ClFnZ5gQh7Pd6Al9pUs8-UmzgVFnTM6rBwtNBuvZYGZcbVdj0VG-9NGWEU/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162200460.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqb_kxS5CyRCCai71EqpozVQ_NAY7xRrRLl6ieeNo-nvV0wtHD_wed5JoF-jeI4_BeBhSNTv1rIJF9HTSgD6ClFnZ5gQh7Pd6Al9pUs8-UmzgVFnTM6rBwtNBuvZYGZcbVdj0VG-9NGWEU/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162200460.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641662191610091106" border="0" /></a>
<br />Why, Cutie is alive and well, looking for a position as a Jazzercize instructor in late 80's/early 90's Big Modern City! How can this be??
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<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy7_g_9qHminSAMILXHzdlHkdd6mt5r5oejFQ3V10GXvlCUf_cBQ2VnAibQp7IgCgtBg1qz7ze218sXmEsPMpoEZRkqwfjGQOfDkB0KlGKIn1AhHkdpuUvdmhv6a4NB5cuqx0Z5YGF7ojR/s1600/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162201116.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy7_g_9qHminSAMILXHzdlHkdd6mt5r5oejFQ3V10GXvlCUf_cBQ2VnAibQp7IgCgtBg1qz7ze218sXmEsPMpoEZRkqwfjGQOfDkB0KlGKIn1AhHkdpuUvdmhv6a4NB5cuqx0Z5YGF7ojR/s400/Astyanax+%2528U%2529+201108162201116.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641663304433406050" border="0" /></a>Oh, that Princess Rosebud! She's sneaky, putting herself into the burning hot sun like that and bringing her friend back to live in another dimension somehow, even though she was <span style="font-style: italic;">fine</span> with letting the fitness-loving fairy die and stay dead back at home.
<br />
<br />So there you have it. You can take a kid, give him a REALLY lame name from Greek mythology, and he'll go save a princess in another world and come back with a girlfriend who used to be some sort of grasshopper/Jazzercize fairy creature. Just make sure he takes an extra pair of pants with him wherever he goes.
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<br />Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-11438035302038462732011-01-02T21:05:00.028-05:002011-01-02T22:29:56.449-05:00Legend of the Ghost/White Lion<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVFxXN2Pwiob7aWz03CEBAhsh3tsGIbIx7dYINhj8nXhr_C35AmyLCLsUGzhWeedzBnnI5iJ7jwV-APzOoyMWBjhX78X6b_MwWUHEQGjNSLHu5x3wEjQZ8VMxnqRHUIZSTSoWrNa8ioudC/s1600/blog-white-lion.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 167px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVFxXN2Pwiob7aWz03CEBAhsh3tsGIbIx7dYINhj8nXhr_C35AmyLCLsUGzhWeedzBnnI5iJ7jwV-APzOoyMWBjhX78X6b_MwWUHEQGjNSLHu5x3wEjQZ8VMxnqRHUIZSTSoWrNa8ioudC/s320/blog-white-lion.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557776956084107842" border="0" /></a><br />So, the Legend of the White Lion is probably an NES game that you've never heard of, and there's a good reason for this. (The title as it appears on the screen is Legend of the Ghost Lion, but in the game the damn cat is referred to as the White Lion, and I'm too lazy to go back and redraw an image that it took me exactly thirty seconds to create.)<br /><br />We'll go over the basic plot with the help of images in a moment, but for now I'm going to explain game play. It's a turn-based RPG. You click here for this guy to do that, you click there for that guy to do this, and yadda yadda yadda until everyone in your party/group/congomerate is done taking a turn hacking at some enemy. In this game, it can be orcs, or zombies, or some flying lion called a manticoa.<br /><br />Now, I love the environment, and I give a lot of thought to how I should be recycling. (I fail in the actual act of recycling.) I suppose the artists of this game are positive ecophiles, because I noticed a LOT of recycling. The same basic image was used<span style="text-decoration: underline;"> </span>for several different enemies; they were just colored differently and had varying hit points.<br /><br />Okay, now that you have an idea of how the game is played, and how it could take so FREAKING long to play this when you have to arrange eight different things to make one strike on some stupid-looking flying lion.<br /><br />Enter: The plot.<br /><br />Meet a young girl named Maria. Her parents are missing after going off into the ether to seek out the truth behind the legends of the White Lion. You get the impression that she lives somewhere on the African savannah, and her parents are doing something that sounds vaguely racist, like "studying the natives." They're not going to call it something neutral, like "anthropology."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo1dKCVGsqGxz_rUNnjW52OPwH7wXVwzc7Q4D_Kq5wfrFsJ_BNMhF3WR6TYdlB6yabUCmYKYqE7sq4Zq9X0ugUFfysEtSCxvGMyYU5-LJiKv7HwZudv22u3a-CbeBQFtCgaZDKtZNIyIFL/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052107015.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo1dKCVGsqGxz_rUNnjW52OPwH7wXVwzc7Q4D_Kq5wfrFsJ_BNMhF3WR6TYdlB6yabUCmYKYqE7sq4Zq9X0ugUFfysEtSCxvGMyYU5-LJiKv7HwZudv22u3a-CbeBQFtCgaZDKtZNIyIFL/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052107015.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557782692860056066" border="0" /></a><br />Yeah, you're not going to know what follows that "and." Check out that awesome 80's hair. She disembarks with a spear. Now, that spear is not a weapon, oh no--it contains the spirit of a warrior named Moja that she can call on whenever she's in trouble.<br /><br />Meet Moja:<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2MMPaA1VKd_L0I6ub3Hb7Kzj_3_LU0EsHFHND6LEePVwkxFamJt1uE1K5o0mNpi1TflOoOPWPzsq4dRuljhSmD42z4oKdY4Q4XezmEZo42oQygV5pH1yubyNR_5UYDDxGUJKa02ii2zWd/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052112209.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2MMPaA1VKd_L0I6ub3Hb7Kzj_3_LU0EsHFHND6LEePVwkxFamJt1uE1K5o0mNpi1TflOoOPWPzsq4dRuljhSmD42z4oKdY4Q4XezmEZo42oQygV5pH1yubyNR_5UYDDxGUJKa02ii2zWd/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052112209.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557784812415085362" border="0" /></a><br />There he is. Ta-da!<br /><br />Now, in searching for her parents, Maria and her spear spirit travel into a magical world, where instead of hit points (like in a normal RPG video game), you have courage, and instead of magic points, you have dreams. Oh, yeah, and instead of leveling up, you find fragments of hope.<br /><br />This was a game made for girls, folks. Apparently girls can't handle complicated things like "hit points" and "magic," despite the fact that we are practically bathed in unicorns, princesses, and wicked witches from the age of 2.<br /><br />Maria and Moja bounce from pixellated area on the map to pixellated area on the map in this magical world, fighting monsters, visiting towns, pillaging treasures, and picking up all kinds of crap that has spirits in it to help complicate the battles.<br /><br />Let's meet some of these friends:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZQgZ1RLCxLfY0xijmDllDMP0kQ1Q_1hyphenhyphenJCBaTvThwNrHdupO3XgXEdvpYzIhzbJKWb5CV2o3g2WS19Vd_WzCPxuGePOBgRGRodTi2HNNz4fP7qoQr9ynq0g5amJEVCIeUc6GkB4k8LNo3/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052114466.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZQgZ1RLCxLfY0xijmDllDMP0kQ1Q_1hyphenhyphenJCBaTvThwNrHdupO3XgXEdvpYzIhzbJKWb5CV2o3g2WS19Vd_WzCPxuGePOBgRGRodTi2HNNz4fP7qoQr9ynq0g5amJEVCIeUc6GkB4k8LNo3/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052114466.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557788524116331794" border="0" /></a>I know he looks like Dumbledore, but he's some dude who pops out of a lamp.<br /><br />And now meet the nameless halfling. I don't know what he's half of, but here he is:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR_6Rz_eWvzRNjjzbBpo0l5pfqCk48NsUdcuWND0KdnZVQTP8Dzw_SpwJo1Yc0JJwuIgRY7IrDmlAIo7dni0vWfo7D4f11szwtXDCx2xXmkkVpARK43pXcEBgce5ljjEDjdQED_yj1JWB2/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052146187.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR_6Rz_eWvzRNjjzbBpo0l5pfqCk48NsUdcuWND0KdnZVQTP8Dzw_SpwJo1Yc0JJwuIgRY7IrDmlAIo7dni0vWfo7D4f11szwtXDCx2xXmkkVpARK43pXcEBgce5ljjEDjdQED_yj1JWB2/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052146187.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557788629701313970" border="0" /></a><br />It would be much cooler if he looked like Elijah Wood.<br /><br />And now, for the nameless elf:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCMKSyf0O-sxtczyEdVaRQxUkwNXW1YVBouvrmqz0vvPePGXNrSg6zvYQdE6754HX4644zQNyOBbYtVT2qtcSjxk3S1r0h-rfotbyStqFkW4MgBXlvjlKnKF1k9iAh3QyxICdvB1Bd4d3P/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052149479.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCMKSyf0O-sxtczyEdVaRQxUkwNXW1YVBouvrmqz0vvPePGXNrSg6zvYQdE6754HX4644zQNyOBbYtVT2qtcSjxk3S1r0h-rfotbyStqFkW4MgBXlvjlKnKF1k9iAh3QyxICdvB1Bd4d3P/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003052149479.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557788831466475906" border="0" /></a><br />And now, the Wing Man:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOFFuOZKPFdcaSLLay4pRk9UrHIE4FbRR2iKv-FA5FL4bgNRopfekDjCBDvjSMjZmvrsGO9gG1D7rx7t3Y5sNzIWikczJ2nRIiZJdv6oqah2F6XAKjXAGV8m-JIbPxfXOaSAokkq8Y0OQH/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003061544143.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOFFuOZKPFdcaSLLay4pRk9UrHIE4FbRR2iKv-FA5FL4bgNRopfekDjCBDvjSMjZmvrsGO9gG1D7rx7t3Y5sNzIWikczJ2nRIiZJdv6oqah2F6XAKjXAGV8m-JIbPxfXOaSAokkq8Y0OQH/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003061544143.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557788975072151346" border="0" /></a>Unfortunately, there are no seedy bars in this world where Maria can go pick up guys, so Wing Man's true talents are not realized in this game.<br /><br />And now, for the Centaur:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHs6IfjXO5QhbFK13v_qQF2pxDNRUW0n8iBf7YNRqdRSSE0O9PCwLU1a9hLt1CTC6iw9vQSkx-edy8ci_BZsjm8hylLrDbN2gaan-vBOc_BNBerK1d5PvcTmi6lvwAUkTw4lo0PAiYTQTj/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003102104029.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHs6IfjXO5QhbFK13v_qQF2pxDNRUW0n8iBf7YNRqdRSSE0O9PCwLU1a9hLt1CTC6iw9vQSkx-edy8ci_BZsjm8hylLrDbN2gaan-vBOc_BNBerK1d5PvcTmi6lvwAUkTw4lo0PAiYTQTj/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003102104029.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557789069506868562" border="0" /></a><br />Yep, half-man, half-horse. Looks about right.<br /><br />And the giant:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjixwDWrylabidIDRbZJbALqf4OAv6lj08VfNbZ7loNVqoTxd2pFxlcHJcc9yfAMIM0pga9_hsXHsk_paLVbdYtok0Yu0qVGnTKBL_wTEHNwUP31SS1sB1V9Y1liM1zOK5zkPLnutn1Kw-W/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112140157.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjixwDWrylabidIDRbZJbALqf4OAv6lj08VfNbZ7loNVqoTxd2pFxlcHJcc9yfAMIM0pga9_hsXHsk_paLVbdYtok0Yu0qVGnTKBL_wTEHNwUP31SS1sB1V9Y1liM1zOK5zkPLnutn1Kw-W/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112140157.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557789163142670210" border="0" /></a>I just imagine that he just yells "GIANT!" whenever anyone says something to him, and that the other spirits hate his slobbering guts.<br /><br />Oh, yeah, and there's a giant snail, but I somehow didn't get a screen shot of that. In case you were wondering, it looks like a giant snail.<br /><br />So, after trudging around for what seems like forever, Maria and her posse finally enter a pyramid, kill a bunch of monsters, and finally come across the creature that she's been looking for, because for some undisclosed reason, this will somehow reunite her with her parents.<br /><br />Readers, I present to you, the W. Lion.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1qPxBOM9s-cI9nalrfCHQtgePOf5cnDt1EVLDfyORAKsw0ra_5M311U2Ef6xX5hCPiPfCVqTYTNPILI23WLaNhyphenhyphenpvVaNPyfiRiFYjZ8vbSSibHVCdcZJ7ruxlEiC_aG1fJ5AIw8sbDn7d/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112243297.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1qPxBOM9s-cI9nalrfCHQtgePOf5cnDt1EVLDfyORAKsw0ra_5M311U2Ef6xX5hCPiPfCVqTYTNPILI23WLaNhyphenhyphenpvVaNPyfiRiFYjZ8vbSSibHVCdcZJ7ruxlEiC_aG1fJ5AIw8sbDn7d/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112243297.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557792865845614786" border="0" /></a><br />Yup, it sure is a white lion.<br /><br />So, Maria and her gang whack the shit out the legendary White Lion.<br /><br />And what happens when they succeed?<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM6QZdK9O-dLD0fSluVQe9IAfTdQvqYuMfgbhJh3QKUd6Kv1cDM4nzQYiw3-pPAdfC5wEc_G7JoF94LjDwOxPmc0AUlU3Z6kS2rmutrgiY8CQ5Thum4sBDeRab3HP2qLzSbGDTOJaaP64p/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112248355.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM6QZdK9O-dLD0fSluVQe9IAfTdQvqYuMfgbhJh3QKUd6Kv1cDM4nzQYiw3-pPAdfC5wEc_G7JoF94LjDwOxPmc0AUlU3Z6kS2rmutrgiY8CQ5Thum4sBDeRab3HP2qLzSbGDTOJaaP64p/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112248355.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557793578387889218" border="0" /></a><br />Oh, snap! The enemy was riding along in a magic lamp all along! And what does he have to say for himself when he's found out?<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP96kH8pVg0H5vNBXeums3p6Vz2ZlyEaRkuUnrvx0UhVQjuhuRjbnT8cLR7OOu-7HBow2Gs6fbTiGpDgfybshPv43FipadWEayX0zdgD-WKCKQPMqaORthUB-HRs5gSQCdVfO_NKIl35XC/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112248446.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP96kH8pVg0H5vNBXeums3p6Vz2ZlyEaRkuUnrvx0UhVQjuhuRjbnT8cLR7OOu-7HBow2Gs6fbTiGpDgfybshPv43FipadWEayX0zdgD-WKCKQPMqaORthUB-HRs5gSQCdVfO_NKIl35XC/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112248446.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557794110834290642" border="0" /></a><br />Oh, don't worry. Ol' Twana spouts off some shit about the importants of dreams and hope and courage, and a lesson is learned by all, and he gives Maria some fancy pendant to help her along in her quest.<br /><br />And then, it turns out, Maria has been sleeping all along!<br /><br />Well, probably not sleeping. It turns out that she almost drowned in a river, so she was probably unconscious and delusional. She gets scolded for it by her mother.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYXqVu5O4aTsTlLesGarJmwDUSnsTCSnqM1mj_ygC2ayE4hNP-E0XqDO0gcl-aWEcFPKB2mhYw3UNA5eiBE0GHPsEbGIkF_k5Wmx7NGXS9S_dTDFciZfEy731iXJIs4x0eWKHyli_PIbEd/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112249384.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYXqVu5O4aTsTlLesGarJmwDUSnsTCSnqM1mj_ygC2ayE4hNP-E0XqDO0gcl-aWEcFPKB2mhYw3UNA5eiBE0GHPsEbGIkF_k5Wmx7NGXS9S_dTDFciZfEy731iXJIs4x0eWKHyli_PIbEd/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112249384.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557794924171456290" border="0" /></a><br />But don't get upset, gentle reader--Maria is wearing the pendant, proving that she had her mind fucked with by some creepy old guy!<br /><br />And at the end, we get treated to the following images of Maria remembering her journey through the magical land of...whatever it was.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAZNpkPUt6rcxNnEUzFEYE9LGzsRqDUl6OMTITOAQ4rIjBecZ66ixkYTaCCUBGTVDfnRCr3XA7OWzuty_IEx_zgVuEu0T4PR1EA0r_yA2WjFoR6MQGg34jsXjW56mRDN8mDpxLvReb-ygC/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112250063.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAZNpkPUt6rcxNnEUzFEYE9LGzsRqDUl6OMTITOAQ4rIjBecZ66ixkYTaCCUBGTVDfnRCr3XA7OWzuty_IEx_zgVuEu0T4PR1EA0r_yA2WjFoR6MQGg34jsXjW56mRDN8mDpxLvReb-ygC/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112250063.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557795418947268898" border="0" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEylU4K3VCSpbPDjzGoCym_6dzZHKrr9Psvam7mQMLxc7eURGSiXjD7XAUkFEdhyphenhyphen75sIDO9-ETIFk2u-pRAPe_IwFXEavZB0FX8J1PqQG2ximGWR_QMXBjHXlw045MVU_1JLfZ89-f9x9r/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112250130.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEylU4K3VCSpbPDjzGoCym_6dzZHKrr9Psvam7mQMLxc7eURGSiXjD7XAUkFEdhyphenhyphen75sIDO9-ETIFk2u-pRAPe_IwFXEavZB0FX8J1PqQG2ximGWR_QMXBjHXlw045MVU_1JLfZ89-f9x9r/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112250130.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557795524632866914" border="0" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipMrWilZ-9ofUw6wmRRrvPqOpmrAWCTeMySBtntdFEZfkFen7ad4LXFReVdO3jFBA4-bHJY9FRDwq2Syb3KxOgenHVgSwcXOY6us7sPw7lcQo64DZ_ChC5hJ3IQgW1vh-NDTwcC1R6tC4J/s1600/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112250245.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipMrWilZ-9ofUw6wmRRrvPqOpmrAWCTeMySBtntdFEZfkFen7ad4LXFReVdO3jFBA4-bHJY9FRDwq2Syb3KxOgenHVgSwcXOY6us7sPw7lcQo64DZ_ChC5hJ3IQgW1vh-NDTwcC1R6tC4J/s320/Legend+of+the+Ghost+Lion+%2528U%2529+201003112250245.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557795636553370114" border="0" /></a><br />Now, normally I like to sum things up with a final thought, but there is no final thought here. This game was so odd and nonsensical that all I could do was mutter, "My brain, my brain..."<br /><br />My husband, who usually watches as I play these games through for these blog posts, got so bored watching it that he generally went off and did something more interesting.<br /><br />So, here we are. No special insight, no little nugget of wisdom for you to take away. Just join in the confusion, and try to avoid the creepy gaze of Twana if you have to scroll back to the top.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-82741630615737210732010-11-17T21:14:00.019-05:002010-11-17T22:15:27.081-05:00Friday the 13th<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_XDeEbLZjJ-b0RM71lWVWHPJypxcea5CbuoMJahaek_LiAIBR18thT-9g8q5eevFSKlWFRQy5_oRdbc-kk2sMwxClSCBIF4glJQDnG8DJL2qKnLp6d8tH1jpV7sX34qp2vvdaEP6gq1AD/s1600/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162045337.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 341px; height: 319px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_XDeEbLZjJ-b0RM71lWVWHPJypxcea5CbuoMJahaek_LiAIBR18thT-9g8q5eevFSKlWFRQy5_oRdbc-kk2sMwxClSCBIF4glJQDnG8DJL2qKnLp6d8tH1jpV7sX34qp2vvdaEP6gq1AD/s320/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162045337.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540707554219711442" border="0" /></a><br />So, you were looking for that yellow notebook-papery graphic? Sorry, I was feeling a little lazy this time, so I'll just treat you to a shot of the title screen, instead. Ta-da!<br /><br />I first played Friday the 13th as a kid. It was part of a box of NES games given to us by a neighbor, a box full of goodies like this game, <span style="font-style: italic;">Astyanax, Spy Hunter,</span> and a bunch of other games. It was a good mix of classics and, well, games like <span style="font-style: italic;">Astyanax, Spy Hunter, </span>and <span style="font-style: italic;">Friday the 13th.</span><br /><br />This was, to my un-Game Genie'd NES system, an impossible game. You start out as one of six camp counselors, marching around camp in a fluorescent pink T-shirt and shorts combo, trying to light fireplaces and keep your fellow counselors and the young campers from falling under the mad machete skills of Jason Voorhees. (He also appears with a hatchet, but "mad hatchet" is a better name for a band than an actual description of what was going on in the game.)<br /><br />So you pick a counselor to play as (you can switch off when you find the other counselors in their cabins) and stalk about the camp. As you are stalking about, zombies somehow ascend from the dirt of the path and wander aimlessly in your direction. Until a knife appears suspended in mid-air, your only weapon is rocks.<br /><br />Oh, yeah. Stuff you need just appears suspended in mid-air. Healing salves, weapons, lighters, keys...these things have no sense of gravity. And to obtain them, you have to jump into them. Despite being at eye level, it just wasn't good enough for the makers of this game to have you walk right into the object to get them. And virtually all weapons turn into projectiles, no matter how little sense that makes. (More on this later.)<br /><br />Okay, back to what's at hand. As you're walking around, making good on the instruction to light all the fireplaces with the lighter that magically appeared in mid-air, you'll hear this horrible beeping noise. At the top of the screen, there's an indication as to who is up on Jason's cutting board: a counselor or a cabin of child campers.<br /><br />Now, as long as you're controlling one of the counselors, it doesn't really matter if Jason picks them off, as long as one is still alive by the end of the game. However, if you don't move fast enough to save the children and fight off Jason, who is lurking about in the cabin, this is what happens:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFjTBRn8rj1NA4Hd0_-D8Xvsv_k6VBzrdnEGbdspR8NTmrcnHt_6_EKZEaF02-lTVY8AQJs5zIKHzmZYrffSMXCIa1nW4cwFbsIbqDrX8bWLUcv1YJiKT4n7wQOIZ8qlyYHj4eRYvHjYev/s1600/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162109039.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFjTBRn8rj1NA4Hd0_-D8Xvsv_k6VBzrdnEGbdspR8NTmrcnHt_6_EKZEaF02-lTVY8AQJs5zIKHzmZYrffSMXCIa1nW4cwFbsIbqDrX8bWLUcv1YJiKT4n7wQOIZ8qlyYHj4eRYvHjYev/s320/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162109039.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540715101362493154" border="0" /></a><br /><br />That's it. Jason wiped out the kids. Game over.<br /><br />So, after finding a Game Genie code for infinite kids (the total never goes down from 15), I was able to finish the game.<br /><br />It's odd, the effect those cheat codes have on you as you're playing. I ended up chasing after Jason just to finish the game. Every encounter in a cabin was a step closer to victory! But when I was too far away from the cabins on the lake, and the alarm started beeping that Jason was slaughtering 8-bit children left and right, I just shrugged and kept stalking the camp.<br /><br />Two of the more frustrating features of the game: The woods and the cave.<br /><br />The woods...I don't even know what to say. This is where I first stopped caring about getting to the kids' cabins, because I couldn't get out of the goddamn woods. Basically, if you don't pick the right ups and downs, you're going to be wandering in the woods forever, chased by zombies who come out of the dirt and wolves that make really annoying computerized howling noises.<br /><br />Now, the cave...When I was playing this game as a kid, I was wandering about the cave and came across this frightening creature:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjzldNafCAy6gENj1vPL7PBbHQtPDdyuhJgeQ2ekX_VK1NyqNcaml6tfwYuTTdxWwQCHopSYTmXZey_IeHPNxYRC1Q19VkxWvD5n29UG0cdy-MgM35PR5KBhv20wib7bjS5mS18sNPtn3c/s1600/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162204380.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjzldNafCAy6gENj1vPL7PBbHQtPDdyuhJgeQ2ekX_VK1NyqNcaml6tfwYuTTdxWwQCHopSYTmXZey_IeHPNxYRC1Q19VkxWvD5n29UG0cdy-MgM35PR5KBhv20wib7bjS5mS18sNPtn3c/s320/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162204380.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540717363800322610" border="0" /></a><br />That, my friends, is a purple floating head that looks like all the world to be Medusa.<br /><br />Now, what would a figure from Greek mythology be doing in a game based on a popular series of slasher films, you might ask?<br /><br />The answer is...NOTHING!<br /><br />See, I was just as mystified as you are, even as a 12-year-old who hadn't seen the movies. But, after looking up a couple things about this game on the Internet, I discovered that this is supposed to be Jason's dear old mother. A floating monster head that lives in a cave.<br /><br />And what do you get for defeating her?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHf7OtNq-WFf9AGxFPcEBtfSUt7iNuQOb-jnHneZOxDPCboUK9NyNEw4hlrzm3Ci3sHasn_fQcaR6Pp12sR4Oy20qs9jRsHDLgh4ZYqOBXdY4ToSguhSLEvtCxJzynkCxtw6UETW_Ykc9w/s1600/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162205069.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHf7OtNq-WFf9AGxFPcEBtfSUt7iNuQOb-jnHneZOxDPCboUK9NyNEw4hlrzm3Ci3sHasn_fQcaR6Pp12sR4Oy20qs9jRsHDLgh4ZYqOBXdY4ToSguhSLEvtCxJzynkCxtw6UETW_Ykc9w/s320/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162205069.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540719013187916930" border="0" /></a><br />Got a good look at that?<br /><br />Know what it is? If you don't, look a little longer, I'll wait.<br /><br />It's a sweater, folks. Bright pink and orange. You slay the Medusa, like Perseus in <span style="font-style: italic;">Clash of the Titans</span>, and instead of a neat corpse head that you can use to turn your enemies to stone, you get <span style="font-style: italic;">a fucking sweater.</span><br /><br />And what happens when you take the sweater? Your little counselor dude flashes fluorescent pink and green, and your eyes try to crawl into your head to get away from the seizure-inducing flashing that makes no logical sense.<br /><br />So, after that, you stalk around again, kill Jason, and this is what happens:<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB3SDZ-Ol8k7Ktxb8fRtJm6ME2Wq520BZZ1KOnRwv5En5mSyIzHhOrRrk5-AdUs1nyDbSigUP3747hhGrVKg-Pavfkxe-a1RXxMJJxd0ECLM4sgf7pH8YW9ubpDBQ6aVPNJ-A2FKtNFiXQ/s1600/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162146050.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB3SDZ-Ol8k7Ktxb8fRtJm6ME2Wq520BZZ1KOnRwv5En5mSyIzHhOrRrk5-AdUs1nyDbSigUP3747hhGrVKg-Pavfkxe-a1RXxMJJxd0ECLM4sgf7pH8YW9ubpDBQ6aVPNJ-A2FKtNFiXQ/s320/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162146050.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540720685508931394" border="0" /></a>Turns out you have kill Jason a grand total of three times, and you have to kill his Medusa mom a second time. The second time around, though, she gives you something much more useful: a pitchfork, which you can apparently throw like any other projectile weapon, because human-length pitchforks are that easy to chuck around.<br /><br />The second and third times around the camp are exactly like the first time around. Walk around, save coworkers/campers, throw shit at Jason.<br /><br />And so, after an evening spent playing this game instead of having post-work bonding time with my husband, this was my reward for defeating eight-bit Jason Voorhees:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-mTXqnyW-OH3KaSuwm012dssfQPSjUP_nPEQ90FTBZmS2RVmQO9UtI4LVHyUBqv9U282t2o30SRRNmFLPdlVd3IS36x2YXPGOH-MhXBa6uY3PCMjWTZswqyS_lCY9JabQVkE4QHwExbEu/s1600/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162219080.bmp"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-mTXqnyW-OH3KaSuwm012dssfQPSjUP_nPEQ90FTBZmS2RVmQO9UtI4LVHyUBqv9U282t2o30SRRNmFLPdlVd3IS36x2YXPGOH-MhXBa6uY3PCMjWTZswqyS_lCY9JabQVkE4QHwExbEu/s320/Friday+the+13th+%2528U%2529+201011162219080.bmp" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540721873833303170" border="0" /></a>That, my friends, is an image of our main villain, a crazy machete-wielding axe murderer, sitting on the floor in purple pajamas looking depressed. And, you see, no mention of the crazy monster mom! Is she dead? Is she alive? Is she mating furiously, trying to create another slasher movie monster? We don't know!<br /><br />...Wait, now that my mind is on it, what <span style="font-style: italic;">would</span> that thing mate with? That weird goat-looking bad guy from <span style="font-style: italic;">Clash of the Titans</span>? Grendel? The host of the newest political commentary show? Who know what horrors would lay with that beast??<br /><br />This was my reward, friends. A crappy end screen and disturbing thoughts about the creation of eight-bit monsters.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-41042394337583610132010-04-01T19:27:00.008-04:002010-04-01T20:13:43.314-04:00Super Mario Brothers 2<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKZOLavMjwJn5H2mdpa0FMLklz2R1AQL1iE8vgH2urPyLxrNqOs2le1aoeVn3YI-I6SZrQQlYYlLfZADFzyaAfFMaBSW7YdWzx9jqImuiId0-lTWVE7DeYsDGwi6f4r4roT5F_I3mcQqZT/s1600/blog-Mario-Bros-2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 176px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKZOLavMjwJn5H2mdpa0FMLklz2R1AQL1iE8vgH2urPyLxrNqOs2le1aoeVn3YI-I6SZrQQlYYlLfZADFzyaAfFMaBSW7YdWzx9jqImuiId0-lTWVE7DeYsDGwi6f4r4roT5F_I3mcQqZT/s400/blog-Mario-Bros-2.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455315322382606626" /></a></div>Where, indeed, da goombas at?<div><br /></div><div>Also, I totally used cheats. That's what I get for making those little pictures up before actually re-playing the game.<br /><div><br /></div><div>Like any other kid, I was geeked to get my sticky little hands on a copy of Super Mario Bros. 2. We expected a continuation of the epic battle between Mario and Luigi and Bowser. More castles, more fireballs, more goombas. Goombas by the dozen!</div><div><br /></div><div>And then...no goombas. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch.</div><div><br /></div><div>It occurs to me now that I have an unhealthy obsession with these walking, fanged mushrooms. But what we got was so very much different from what we expected.</div><div><br /></div><div>At first, it all seemed neat. You could choose from one of four characters, still familiar from our carousing about in the mushroom kingdom the first time. You could play as Mario, who had no immediately apparent use; or Luigi, who could jump really high and flail his legs about in the air like a...you know, there's really no good simile for what he does; Toadstool, who could pull shit out of the ground really fast; and the Princess, who wore a pretty pretty pink dress and could float for a couple seconds.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was, as a kid, particularly excited about being able to play a game as a female character, because up until that point, I had not played an NES game with any female characters. (It was a while before someone told me that the main character in Metroid was a chick.)</div><div><br /></div><div>And then the game started, and your heart raced, and your character dropped onto the screen in that first scene, and you thought...</div><div><br /></div><div><i>What the hell is this??</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>No goombas. No koopa troopas, or discernable koopas of any kind. No, you get little pink freaks in noh masks, hopping vultures, giant-eyed fish, and some kind of end-level boss that lays eggs with its <i>mouth.</i> And then you have to throw the eggs at it, thereby defeating it with its own young.</div><div><br /></div><div>And your weapons? Bombs and vegetables. Enemy in your way? Chuck a turnip at it!</div><div><br /></div><div>Almost two decades later, my fiance would tell me that the game was actually based on a Japanese game called Doki Doki Panic. Hence the lack of mushroom- and turtle-based enemies.</div><div><br /></div><div>The game was so difficult for me as a kid that I was satisfied with watching my childhood friend play it when we were hanging out at her grandmother's, rather than deal with the stress of whomping things with various veggies myself.</div><div><br /></div><div>In re-playing it, I saw some peculiar things. One of these is the whales in the ice level that you have to traverse to make it to the other side. Observe:</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCL-9YJIqZO9FV3fJH6c-F7n_agpM4UeGlFnD2twmB_5lHoE5eWjrvVE6knz6q1ID6r0XP8vDiFvmImxBoPYLeiJArpF5r0A1eXwwfIJ7dj4_IJjSyz-9DVWrg08LymZQee8_qcJxwsfr3/s400/Super+Mario+Bros.+2+(U)+(v1.1)+201003051935545.bmp" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455320728766071474" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px; " /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"><br /></span></div><div>Here, the whale appears to be a giant black slab with an eye and a gas problem. And if you're just walking around on the whale, minding your own business, and then walk into that stream coming from its blowhole, you get injured. However, if you're standing directly on top of the blowhole with the whale decides to, for lack of a better word, blow, this happens:</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCrauGSLVH5fx6HB50MivmLJti8wuXjZD5wLrUAybCAExfJygL7nFCYB8AMenPuFLpRV1jl4MgLY6iCycXHW8YbjLEjprS550ecp2H-FZ0cqnIi5qpsHCfXJ-OE1SvtMDXyDcweZ4T97DN/s400/Super+Mario+Bros.+2+(U)+(v1.1)+201003051938318.bmp" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455321552377707218" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px; " /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; ">Oh, my. That can't be comfortable.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><br /></span></div><div>Then you get to the end. After fighting some pretty challenging bosses to get to this point, you end up with a lizard-man who won't eat his vegetables. So you're expected to help ease his nutritional difficulties by taking vegetables that shoot out of what appear to be the bells of brass instruments and toss them into this guy's mouth, while he is belching up bubbles at you. </div><div><br /></div><div>Of course, I will help you with a visual aid.</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZTB7w_OjC1EkX5OWhbEDvyUPz0WWAJzl_n6eI7yaxydg8AYKA7l8kueHa5V-mLITKuxv0UxhRL-rO8akwRbfcrJndU-VXlW6smICtr73Yn7NcqreXlJAvxXQSs9WWFAy2Uf8R7DeApify/s400/Super+Mario+Bros.+2+(U)+(v1.1)+201003052101520.bmp" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455324488308081090" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px; " /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><br /></span></div><div>Hm...not the best visual aid, because it looks like Mr. Main Enemy here is having some trouble with constipation. Maybe he could sing for a modern rock band. Is Hinder looking for a new front man?</div><div><br /></div><div>So, what is your reward for defeating all these ridiculous enemies?</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjocDptN0ahUcAG3ZhtONtGRgWH2ER7GSx2N8CRCADfnm1Gt4VvNIaqOFes_cuDrDQoYs1YdA_biOMeYj1iqg8RTY6mu2RNlEoG8K8sQ-aAVCwloX-zbNjk3EkuY7ZSMhl4M1a_8tjTQr3j/s400/Super+Mario+Bros.+2+(U)+(v1.1)+201003052104370.bmp" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455325009807323714" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 240px; " /></span></div><div>Turns out that everybody's favorite plumber ate a much-too-spicy pepperoni before bed. 'Twas naught but a dream!</div><div><br /></div><div>To repeat the thoughts of my younger self, upon watching my friend conquer the game:</div><div><br /></div><div><i>What the hell is this??</i></div></div>Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-21304431337900236152010-03-02T21:57:00.003-05:002010-03-02T22:31:22.594-05:00Super Mario Brothers<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRdLHX6YiDZ8KpldNViH_aatcil3i1ciNSzjn93_5jzUQ3YyQStk_Baa0T1w8flGsSpApvBPL-Bg2460aMuC1wsKW-W3CLeKFTwLHgsi7G_NAsfazeijLSF6VPaBIXipybmK-W1NjaKuue/s1600-h/blog-Mario-Bros.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 162px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRdLHX6YiDZ8KpldNViH_aatcil3i1ciNSzjn93_5jzUQ3YyQStk_Baa0T1w8flGsSpApvBPL-Bg2460aMuC1wsKW-W3CLeKFTwLHgsi7G_NAsfazeijLSF6VPaBIXipybmK-W1NjaKuue/s400/blog-Mario-Bros.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5444236483669177042" /></a>I've been using screenshots to illustrate my previous blog posts, but I don't think that will be necessary to illustrate the original Super Mario Brothers. If you haven't played it, then you're either a) too young, b) were raised by Ned Flanders, or c) don't play video games, and I'm surprised you're reading this at all.<div><br /></div><div>I don't remember how old I was when my family got an NES. It was either eight or nine. And every system came with the Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt package. And I enjoyed both games immensely. With Duck Hunt, I learned the joy of killing ducks, and then sending forth a dog to retrieve the carcass, or to enjoy the bloodless sport of shooting clay pigeons.</div><div><br /></div><div>With Super Mario Bros., I learned the joys of jumping on giant mushrooms.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now, when I think about it, it would be perfectly natural to jump on and crush to death a waist-high mushroom that is actually approaching you. Mushrooms shouldn't move. That's all there is to it. Especially when they have huge eyes that have the mean guy slants to them, like they're angry all the time.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I played the game through again recently, it still had the same effect on me as it did when I was a kid: elation when I got the fireworks at the end of a level, thinking "this is cool!" when I got the water level, and being totally impressed when the sky turned black to indicate that all the action was going on at night.</div><div><br /></div><div>Mario was so cool that he could even stomp mushrooms at night!</div><div><br /></div><div>In retrospect, I'm not really sure what purpose Luigi served in the game, other than to give it a two-person capability. Nobody got excited about being Luigi. He was the tall, skinny sidekick, decked out in green. I supposed, at the end, he just stood back and watched his brother save the princess, get all the credit, and go on to a life of wealth and fame in the Mushroom Kingdom where he is worshipped by dwarves with mushroom caps on their heads. And twenty years later, when Mushroom Kingdom reporters find him frozen to death on a city park bench, he will be referred to in the article as "Luigi, the Robert to Mario's Raymond."</div><div><br /></div><div>Okay, back to the entry. Enough with the segue.</div><div><br /></div><div>Another part of my childhood was getting together with friends of the family, who had a couple kids around my and my sister's ages. They also had an NES. So when the families would get together, we kids would gather 'round the game systems while our parents sat at a table, played cards, and got really, really loud. And usually around midnight, we kids would filter out and beg the adults to order up some Domino's pizza, because at the time, Domino's was <i>the shit.</i></div><div><br /></div><div>When it wasn't my turn at the controller (and being the youngest, that was pretty rare anyway), I would read the instruction manual that game with the game cartridge. Not only did this glossy little booklet come with actual instructions on how to play the game, but also a listing of the game's enemies and what they were called. So I memorized the name of all the enemies, and when I yelled, "Stomp on that goomba," no one knew what the hell I was talking about.</div><div><br /></div><div>However, when I explained that the goomba was the angry-looking mushroom guy, the four of us decided that this was a funny word.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now, here's the part that proves all little kids are assholes. Our friends had a neighbor who may or may not have been developmentally handicapped. Time has clouded whether or not this was a fact, or if the neighbor was simply annoying. We decided to start referring to this neighbor as "Goomba."</div><div><br /></div><div>In addition, we got it into our heads that Goomba liked flashlights. I don't remember what the basis for this was, but it was stone-hard fact in our little world.</div><div><br /></div><div>I really wish memory served me well, because then I could tell you exactly why we came up with the concept that if this neighbor had a band, it would be called Goomba and the Flashlights.</div><div><br /></div><div>This wouldn't have worked if we were British, because Goomba and the Torches just doesn't have the same ring to it.</div><div><br /></div><div>We even came up with an opening song that Goomba and the Flashlights would sing at the beginning of each show. It was pretty much singing "Goomba! And the Flashlights!" over and over again to whatever tune was in our messed-up little brains at the time.</div><div><br /></div><div>If you watch South Park, do you remember when Timmy was the front man for the Lords of the Underworld? The Goomba and the Flashlights song went kind of like that.</div><div><br /></div><div>So, for your convenience, I'm going to sum up this whole, rambling blog posts in a few numbered points for you, rendering everything you've read up to the point completely extraneous information. (Do you remember your first communion? No? That's because those brain cells are now being used to remember this post!)</div><div><br /></div><div>1. Everyone who was a kid for at least part of the 80s remembers Super Mario Bros.</div><div>2. Mushrooms shouldn't move.</div><div>3. Everyone loves Raymond, not Robert. That's why it's called "Everybody Loves Raymond."</div><div>4. Kids are assholes.</div><div>5. Kids are <i>big</i> assholes.</div><div>6. You've just lost more brain cells on this post, you poor bastard.</div>Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-34228723240515704152009-11-19T20:35:00.011-05:002009-11-19T21:29:37.072-05:00Blue Marlin<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPrtkagsNgXpFt4A54TPPa2_In4mPHKGo5QyhWFID-CSvhR0H08RKOxoiuPTe9t_kClQpWzBvcAval7nyVL6yALnqRo7FXWlBLW5sGUdcwverxMhd2UGgWTcLUoUOSFEArIGAz55IPXuyR/s1600/blog-blue-marlin.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 204px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPrtkagsNgXpFt4A54TPPa2_In4mPHKGo5QyhWFID-CSvhR0H08RKOxoiuPTe9t_kClQpWzBvcAval7nyVL6yALnqRo7FXWlBLW5sGUdcwverxMhd2UGgWTcLUoUOSFEArIGAz55IPXuyR/s400/blog-blue-marlin.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406007050213143330" /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span></span></div></div>The Blue Marlin...Ah. I came across this little gem not so long ago, when my fiance's best friend was visiting. I think this is one of those games that is best discussed in picture format.<br />As it would seem, the entire plot of the game is to go fishing for--and capture--the elusive and legendary Blue Marlin.<div><br /><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgviebER87Lraoo6ioY_TxQ77ITCxYGIDA0o_cK3YEJZGZApsO47-c7C7U4LV5YOADusEaGC7cfmF1RPRGKHjoj2oW08Q_P0NCfXhmEHeI3HsZlGAUuUf_REHB7bwHbIuWf8TTFIdrm2tWq/s320/92.png" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 224px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5405995530729570514" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">There! There! Didja see it, in all of its eight-bit majesty?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And then, you start the game:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWG1NCtzvAl2pOQ2zruPuQ6YE4_LzEcoK9Z0Cu0-rpfWUVqNfIJV0fgJ78cejdN97HKF-4vsVM7lOkb29eA1K4R7stcmljKtn7gRE_Eyz34p6bcqE5eM-EquN-QGfOM9OzDU1SyNwieCKe/s320/94.png" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 224px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5405996573974733074" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">So that weird little nub in the middle of the screen? Your super-cool, uber-tubular 80s fishing boat. So cool that you might even see a be-stubbled Don Johnson staring at it longingly from a pier in Miami, wishing he had some way out of that vice cop gig.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Now, following behind the boat, you'll see an orangeish triton. That would be the GIGANTIC LURE that you're dragging behind your awesome boat.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">That boat, I will add, was ridiculously hard to steer about the Floridian coastline. I bumped into the dock; I bumped into the beach. After a few minutes of putting that boat through a level of abuse that should have capsized it, this is what came up on the screen:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiq8n3Zyeb9UQHVCaLeDVFhcHqZ3KIKb_BlWbzksF0GDUMVk-kUEj8D1-JstHFRWAQJyf6uOPuh1sDXk8STqZ7jjkQe7llpCU-7RsLIuJFwJQIb5_h37BFGlKI3HF4V-ElGnJHe8z7orNnF/s320/93.png" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 224px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5405999651207281602" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Apparently, after my drunken attempt at navigating the sparkling blue waters of the Atlantic and/or Carribbean, this crew member was a little worried about my driving.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">But soon after that, excitement! Some fish silhouettes appeared in the water, and one of them was the titular Blue Marlin! Squee!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">And that brought us to this screen:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvC8NMpDU6wpreTm9q11ewkhNDsXmRn2RZau7-nyTZTC4qK6FQmQ700YJBwWoepEU0T-I0_7p7LQrxRTcVJ_NECB-SfFjvmEy6azogDS8oGeIydw7Rm59MeLbquxn6XnMeacF9lq5NhoVz/s320/102.png" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 224px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406001535634446722" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: left;">And, as I am not a competent eight-bit fisherwoman, I later got this:</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKQmSoh-jq35D1j2jCZND2_HQgDgKPe7_38LB1cslu7vTyuJieuOr-7Jwurtf25eITYqwYIvuUXGpQ9wnuPk25ee2rFF5VQAS6N71BRBhQCEJvLdZZgC9PozM0pvEGZpzkD_4pfOgWt1Qt/s320/103.png" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 224px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406001622868517378" /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Now, my first reaction wasn't "Aw, damn, I didn't get the fish." Oh no. It was: "Holy shit! That's one beefy-ass fisher!"</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Seriously, take another look at that guy. He looks like he should be a professional wrestler, all decked out in spandex and face paint, not hanging out on a boat chasing a fish.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">So, having lost the Blue Marlin, I drove the boat around in the waters again. And again, I had some trouble steering the boat. Observe:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnjuqRPM37xUmgXGNoOn1YzZxF3r7an2Z5kgYzlowAgAvFfHZyGe8FfIHpR40Dm-sxZss6yBJDicn6wnXaSQbdC4KZF65rBqu_Fa3MyB2j9lo9JXUJuFxSNfVV9IeDksAMCIVubCpo8xu7/s320/98.png" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 224px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406002781521693026" /></div><div style="text-align: left;">I gotta admit, this is about where I gave up. I'm not going to spend an evening helping some 'roid head chase a damn fish.</div></div></div>Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-59353862497312225142009-08-18T22:05:00.011-04:002009-08-18T22:52:32.503-04:00Rygar<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicO5Oi5gHrXNTun-uSsD_EPYAYqtPfMG0Um2OVci8bkr7302qoQlqnqZoKiVcZQHixGVMLeYjR-gahPgeVJw54hljgqIMZnaKemp4Ihg18jC-ljVDt7poVUgotKxPx5r3fgYyiydzcxyAc/s1600-h/blog-rygar.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 186px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicO5Oi5gHrXNTun-uSsD_EPYAYqtPfMG0Um2OVci8bkr7302qoQlqnqZoKiVcZQHixGVMLeYjR-gahPgeVJw54hljgqIMZnaKemp4Ihg18jC-ljVDt7poVUgotKxPx5r3fgYyiydzcxyAc/s320/blog-rygar.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371501356381872674" border="0" /></a><br />Could somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on in this game? Because I couldn't figure it out.<br /><br />I even looked it up on Wikipedia and found no plot summary whatsoever, which means they don't know what the fuck's going on, either.<br /><br />I played Rygar because it was one of those games I had played as a kid, but never got too far. And now, with the magic of Game Genie, I spent a Friday evening playing through the game. Because that's what I do on Friday evenings these days.<br /><br />Now, I understand the general concept of controlling some little dude on the screen and killing monsters. It's great fun. But generally there's some kind of discernible plot. Not so much with Rygar.<br /><br />All you know is you have to kill monsters, find five really weird-looking guys, and then kill a big boss monster. And the only weapon you get is what appears to be a bop-bag--one of those inflatable balls that had a rubber ring and string that would attach to one finger so you could punch it to your five-year-old heart's content.<br /><br />Every so often you come across some gigantic old dude who gives you a hint as to where to go next, but these hints are about as helpful to you as a one-eyed chicken is to a blind man.<br /><br />Observe:<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0yN7fyEzqmS25JwTShQBkQo_Op5T1DXrx_FYvb8MSZD_lmv7LtwTQIUayYmXtKuOwg6a1S8CoADsC87tYX6C5Ale-mxB5vCq1LEMPZ-gdP9tW1dZmR4WPlNfLjaM8ftJ2I4w5p2Uj-d-J/s1600-h/54.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 354px; height: 309px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0yN7fyEzqmS25JwTShQBkQo_Op5T1DXrx_FYvb8MSZD_lmv7LtwTQIUayYmXtKuOwg6a1S8CoADsC87tYX6C5Ale-mxB5vCq1LEMPZ-gdP9tW1dZmR4WPlNfLjaM8ftJ2I4w5p2Uj-d-J/s400/54.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371497131555418786" border="0" /></a><br /><br />After getting this screen, I just shrugged. I had never seen those words before, and I didn't know what they meant, and therefore I didn't care. I pay more attention to soap operas on Univision, because I can occasionally understand (or, at least, think I understand) something they say on that channel. Here? Nothing.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy05HyRq7g8_MfLhVtO_guzpa2ie2pK0noc2M_pUh0AcAd-542ryfa3BtF_vJ7iU99OsvAJhHvzEqhUACS4uVUfdSzdYYQ4KIO5S5zNUCijc9YO5d9H3C7peYsgToXd_66kpQ6esi9LhjA/s1600-h/65.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 352px; height: 307px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy05HyRq7g8_MfLhVtO_guzpa2ie2pK0noc2M_pUh0AcAd-542ryfa3BtF_vJ7iU99OsvAJhHvzEqhUACS4uVUfdSzdYYQ4KIO5S5zNUCijc9YO5d9H3C7peYsgToXd_66kpQ6esi9LhjA/s320/65.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371497789704783730" border="0" /></a><br />Now, I thought this was worth the screenshot because of the creative use of quotation marks. It would seem the guru-fellow is trying to make a very pointed remark here. "Dorago" and "release my daughter" might be code for something...<span style="font-style: italic;">but what?</span><br /><br />I would like to note that no female characters appear anywhere in this game.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtLX7MiT5C7wj0G8LxWcsOZ3Hps-10_ozush3JrjpqE_cFObUH90J6URUKMPEERfzWB9YKjFL1rv85L5saOJfv6fc9SVyLElHtQVm83PfAOx-uA3kLyy5uOuQEQK6m1cAOBXqOMCUNcUvK/s1600-h/64.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 355px; height: 310px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtLX7MiT5C7wj0G8LxWcsOZ3Hps-10_ozush3JrjpqE_cFObUH90J6URUKMPEERfzWB9YKjFL1rv85L5saOJfv6fc9SVyLElHtQVm83PfAOx-uA3kLyy5uOuQEQK6m1cAOBXqOMCUNcUvK/s400/64.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371497689009085298" border="0" /></a><br />Again with the weird words. I can just picture Napoleon Dynamite drawing Ligars all over the place. (Okay, I know it was "liger," but let me have my fun.)<br /><br />And now for my personal favorite:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOnfOPKrnbAiY5Udr0U9o0JC5T6mWxWv3MeBh1cO4WiD-atlfIUWo39Sb2m0ZVMOCN6lDddr-FHjLBmVcReIcjtWU_A6mjDEnXalwPFL9dNO8-uo4fl7cSU4oY5saNy8KjgFR1RpBZLO7v/s1600-h/63.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 353px; height: 309px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOnfOPKrnbAiY5Udr0U9o0JC5T6mWxWv3MeBh1cO4WiD-atlfIUWo39Sb2m0ZVMOCN6lDddr-FHjLBmVcReIcjtWU_A6mjDEnXalwPFL9dNO8-uo4fl7cSU4oY5saNy8KjgFR1RpBZLO7v/s400/63.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371496056738552930" border="0" /></a><br />It all makes sense! The nonsense words, the cryptic phrases...these guys are cheerleaders! Nothing they say is supposed to make any sense anyway!<br /><br />And this is what you get at the end:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh25b5NZxBve5XWX3v6SswIgBnwpm1VOimAVLIEbYrAF9jbuQ1jZ432AJyTeE7THYtj_6ti3KIWfGjefuPX7yfO2AQSTfnehuVh-adOrjM5xb0_8BVhsL9sZvdAfDadSbhk5BCk6UhsIx8n/s1600-h/67.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 353px; height: 308px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh25b5NZxBve5XWX3v6SswIgBnwpm1VOimAVLIEbYrAF9jbuQ1jZ432AJyTeE7THYtj_6ti3KIWfGjefuPX7yfO2AQSTfnehuVh-adOrjM5xb0_8BVhsL9sZvdAfDadSbhk5BCk6UhsIx8n/s320/67.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371500316467267826" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnT8OTyTHAhrYwnT1OL-kQRSGeumcxSZ8avHrIKj5RJ3Yuy8H4s_v6cxSB56xu_nilVwrQPiMs8bFBcHjgO90QrFzTyn-eF-fA1k3HDxnv4n6siQMmPhkgRDBDvCUiSlOwefdnFRc9fe84/s1600-h/68.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 352px; height: 307px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnT8OTyTHAhrYwnT1OL-kQRSGeumcxSZ8avHrIKj5RJ3Yuy8H4s_v6cxSB56xu_nilVwrQPiMs8bFBcHjgO90QrFzTyn-eF-fA1k3HDxnv4n6siQMmPhkgRDBDvCUiSlOwefdnFRc9fe84/s320/68.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371500753414218210" border="0" /></a><br />So finally, at the end, we have some idea of what the damn plot was. And the lovely thing about the translation here is that they couldn't keep "Argool" and "Argus" straight. Wikipedia told me that in the Japanese version, the land was named Argos, but it was changed to Argool for the English version. Apparently the translator couldn't keep the two straight here.<br /><br />After three hours of gameplay, I was rewarded by more confusion and a friggin' rainbow.<br /><br />Thanks a lot, Tecmo!Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-16666543874664554162009-08-11T21:57:00.003-04:002009-08-11T22:40:16.223-04:00The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxttFmOhZFTdLOxZi7IBb5CHaqcQ5wo2DlMZxfjiiMoHNth4qeHyneLj4ap9c9zNjViknS71tcyCgcBKfjMe3Lt7EjgP3OnG2QMouzDWHbGFIEahFZ084QkwWHJDVnRcXJtBngWoBLEPgy/s1600-h/blog-zelda-WII.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 142px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxttFmOhZFTdLOxZi7IBb5CHaqcQ5wo2DlMZxfjiiMoHNth4qeHyneLj4ap9c9zNjViknS71tcyCgcBKfjMe3Lt7EjgP3OnG2QMouzDWHbGFIEahFZ084QkwWHJDVnRcXJtBngWoBLEPgy/s320/blog-zelda-WII.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5368890658669612610" border="0" /></a>So here's one of the most recent in a long line of Zelda games. The plot, I assure you, is the same: Hack your way through monsters, save the princess, murder Ganon.<br /><br />I must say, this game was made great fun by the Wii controls. It's like you're right there, murdering Ganon yourself!<br /><br />As previously established, Link continues his assholery by walking uninvited into people's homes, breaking their shit, and stealing their stuff. And you know what? The villagers just friggin' <span style="font-style: italic;">love</span> him for it.<br /><br />I could go on about a lot of the odd elements in this game, but what really made this game shine for me were the peripheral characters. I will be highlighting four (well, technically, five) of them: the Mayor, the Really Gay Clown Guy, Malo, and the Yeti couple.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Mayor:</span> As his title suggests, this fellow is the mayor of Ordon, and is generally useless until Link has to venture into Death Mountain. To do this, the mayor must teach him sumo wrestling. As the lesson begins, you get a nice cinematic shot that goes between the mayor's legs and leaves you wondering, "Did I just see his <span style="font-style: italic;">taint</span>?"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Really Gay Clown Guy:</span> This is the fellow you have to talk to in order to fly a chicken over Lake Hylia. Yes, you read that right. Take a ride with a chicken over a big friggin' lake. It's quite fun, actually. When I first laid eyes on the Really Gay Clown guy, I actually said, "Aaah!" He had makeup like a mime, Hammer pants, and a green polka dot shirt that essentially looks like a brassiere with long sleeves. He generally stands around with one hip cocked and calls you "big guy" a lot. Pretty creepy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Malo:</span> Malo is one of the children from Ordon, and by far the shortest. This kid is almost literally knee-high, and looks like a dwarf child who wants to be a Japanese theatre actor, and generally makes snide comments whenever he speaks. But somehow, after being kidnapped by monsters and deposited in a village far from home, becomes an entrepreneur. He reopens Kakariko's abandoned shop and badgers Link into buying shit. And when the shopping is done, Malo scoots what we can assume is his only customer out of the shop with "Time is money, so if you're done shopping, quit wasting both." Or something like that. The cocky little fucker.<br /><br />Later in the game, Malo opens a satellite store in Castle Town, which is positively an orgy of commercialism with workers whose only duties are to dance or pretend to be buying things. I had a similar reaction to this place as I did to the Really Gay Clown Guy.<br /><br />You can get some satisfaction after being snarked at by this kid, though. When you hit non-combatants in the game with slingshot pellets and arrows, they might fall, but they get right back up. I had a lot of fun shooting Malo in the head with arrows.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Yeti Couple:</span> About halfway through the game, Link encounters a pair of yetis, cleverly named Yeto and Yeta for the husband and wife, respectively. Yeto is about three times as large as his wife, and is working on a soup recipe to help cure his wife's peculiar illness. Link has to go through their home searching for a particular object, and will later have to beat the shit out of Yeta to get it, but I digress. What is most important here is the yeti assault.<br /><br />To start out, Yeta sends Link on a quest to find the key to her mansion's bedroom. (Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but what actually happens is not nearly that interesting and involves Philip Glass-esque music.) Yeta marks a spot on the map where she thinks the key is. Link leaves the room, and finds Yeto standing over a big cauldron of reekfish soup. (Guess why the fish is named like that. Just guess.) So Link tastes the soup, and passes through to get to the spot marked on the map, which is a treasure chest containing a pumpkin.<br /><br />Okay...<br /><br />Yeta then instructs Link to take the pumpkin to her husband. Link goes into the kitchen and speaks to Yeto, who <span style="font-style: italic;">knocks Link down and takes the damn pumpkin.</span><br /><br />Here, you have just witnessed a yeti assault, and you have no semi-automatic weapons.<br /><br />Yeto deposits the pumpkin into the soup, invites Link again to taste the soup. Back to Yeta, who marks another spot on the map. This time, it turns out to be a treasure chest containing--ta da!--goat cheese.<br /><br />And we have a repeat of events--Yeta advises Link to take the cheese to Yeto, and again we are witness to the horrible crime of yeti assault when Yeto shoves Link to the floor and takes the cheese.<br /><br />I suppose Link had it coming. He's pretty much been doing the same thing to everyone else up until this point.<br /><br />Now, if Link ingests the finished soup with all these ingredients, it replenishes 8 hearts. Not bad for free food. The text in the game even refers to it as "superb soup."<br /><br />But let's think about this for a moment, shall we? This is virtually the only food you see Link consume in the game, and it's soup made from foul-smelling fish, pumpkin, and goat cheese.<br /><br />I've had fish soup, I've had pumpkin, and I've had goat cheese, but I can't even conceive what these three things would taste like together. All I'm imagining is something that's pretty gross and more effective at inducing a good vomit than playing with your uvula.<br /><br />And yet here's Link, who, when he fills a bottle with it, holds up proudly like a kid showing his mom the macaroni picture he made in Bible school.<br /><br />Good job, kid. Go ahead and chug that soup, and I'll go get a bucket for you.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-70460137296148461172009-08-10T22:52:00.004-04:002009-08-10T23:51:46.833-04:00Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqub2QkAIwPVKspxHp4LPWSIODZQ9N9wNNUNPeuQjMBmJa0f8mOxUQLnWKGiopKqqhB7-XmP14LAVnN5tMa9ySTRtnUf2UUTPsXHdFm6EtSuDL7th-_XDQi1mBrtg3HWaWTCLODNTrG58l/s1600-h/blog-zelda-SNES.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 170px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqub2QkAIwPVKspxHp4LPWSIODZQ9N9wNNUNPeuQjMBmJa0f8mOxUQLnWKGiopKqqhB7-XmP14LAVnN5tMa9ySTRtnUf2UUTPsXHdFm6EtSuDL7th-_XDQi1mBrtg3HWaWTCLODNTrG58l/s320/blog-zelda-SNES.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5368534616921972818" border="0" /></a><br />So, apparently I wasn't paying attention when I made this graphic, because I totally used cheats, and totally used a walkthrough. Because I'm not 13 anymore, and no longer have catlike controller reflexes.<br /><br />Also, those catlike controller reflexes require one to move to and fro with the action on the screen with one's tongue hanging out the side of the mouth as a show of effort/stress, and that's what I have a friggin' Wii for.<br /><br />But I must say: This game still has it. It is still my favorite of the series. There is a certain charm to navigating this 16-bit world, and collecting all the items, and seeing what they can do. You still want to explore every corner and find all the secrets. You still want to know what the deal is with those weird dancing cucumbers.<br /><br />As I was playing this game through again so I could write this post, my fiance looked over my shoulder and said something thought provoking:<br /><br />"You know, when you think about it, Link's a jerk."<br /><br />And indeed, he was right. When you think about all the stuff you have to do to complete this game, Link is, indeed, an asshole. He run around, slaughtering guards and monsters without a second thought, all in the name of saving the princess.<br /><br />Let's take a look at some of the events in "A Link to the Past," shall we?<br /><br />You start out as Link is jerked out of a dead sleep by a mysterious voice in his head. Last time I checked, this was a symptom of schizophrenia. But crazy ol' Link gets up, listens to the voices in his head, and goes out into the rain STRICTLY AGAINST HIS UNCLE'S INSTRUCTIONS. What impunity!<br /><br />So Link trots into the castle, and stumbles across his uncle, who seems to be suffering from some mortal wound. Link takes the old man's sword and shield and leaves him to die in the castle's cellar. What a devoted nephew. Sure, the old guy told him to take the sword and shield, but I think he would have filched them off the corpse anyway. There's high adventure to be had!<br /><br />Now, let's take a look at Link's behavior in other people's houses: He walks in uninvited and <span style="font-style: italic;">breaks their shit and steals their stuff.<br /><br /></span>This is the Hero of Hyrule, folks.<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span><br /><br /></span>And then, there are the chickens, who Link can slash at or pick up and throw. Yes, animal abuse in video games is all good and fun, but in this game, when Link abuses the chickens too much, they gang up on him and kill him to avenge their fallen, clucking comrade.<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /></span></span>Take that, Hero of Hyrule! You can wade through thousands of monsters, but you fall to chickens!Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-50234025117048591852009-08-07T23:24:00.005-04:002009-08-07T23:58:39.400-04:00Legend of Zelda II<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH3UF7lVt-kC4LgS3I1RMLT7G4m_kr6Nm-S71Q_P60sI558GevnId1Cfra1CTqKPY47LWxOKbalGkuouJLQjTkxbj8OfdUUjwwSMtI8d3Wpy7rz09AGq_rW0HxVZlNKXHZ0nvSFbW2L8NR/s1600-h/blog-zelda-II-NES.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 148px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH3UF7lVt-kC4LgS3I1RMLT7G4m_kr6Nm-S71Q_P60sI558GevnId1Cfra1CTqKPY47LWxOKbalGkuouJLQjTkxbj8OfdUUjwwSMtI8d3Wpy7rz09AGq_rW0HxVZlNKXHZ0nvSFbW2L8NR/s320/blog-zelda-II-NES.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5367429982585301522" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I can say I am a fan of the Legend of Zelda games. But this game sucks.<br /><br />As a kid, we got both NES Zelda games from a boon of cartridges given to us by a neighbor. So after finishing the first one, of course I played the second one. The first one was fun, why shouldn't the second one be fun?<br /><br />Well, it was certainly more involved--not always a bad thing. The graphics had been updated--again, not always a bad thing.<br /><br />But the game turned out to be altogether too hard, and the close-up scenes for battle were a little bizarre. First of all, it would appear that Link is just stabbing enemies overhand with a sword, which seems to look more like a very large kitchen knife.<br /><br />I suppose this is possible, if he got news that he was supposed to save Hyrule yet again while he was switching to a career as a chef, and that the gigantic sword he had to retrieve from the mountain top was just three feet too far, and he had a kitchen knife in his hand anyway. So why not give 'em a nasty salmonella infection if you can't impale them properly?<br /><br />Secondly, when travelling from place to place, any time you stray from the path, you are in danger being attacked by some very odd-looking monsters. Wiggly blobs, dog-men with spears, spiders, and all sorts of things abound. You get the occassional fairy, but mostly, you're going to have to jump around and stab things. A lot.<br /><br />There's even one scene were you can get hurt by bubbles. BUBBLES.<br /><br />I remember beating the game as a kid, but I haven't been able to as an adult, even with Game Genie codes. I got to the final palace, fell down a hole that I can't get out of, and, well, let's just say Ganon took over Hyrule, because even with the code for infinite magic, for some reason I couldn't turn myself into a fairy and fly back up to where I was.<br /><br />Oh, yeah--you can turn into a friggin' fairy.<br /><br />Now, let's take a look at the villagers. Sure, they're generally helpful--talk to the right ones, find out what you need to do next. And in each village, there is a woman who, if you follow her into her house, will restore your life. Normal game device, maybe, but you have to wonder about a woman who takes strangers into her home, and they leave mysteriously revitalized.<br /><br />Ew.<br /><br />And then each village has a wise man hiding in the basement of some building. Again, what is it with the elderly hiding in dank, dark rooms to dispense wisdom to passing adolescents? And the stairs going down to these cellars are each the height of a person--it's safe to say there's no escape for these old folks. I can't say that there's any way for an arthritic old wizard to climb the series of mini-cliffs up to the main floor of the house. The along comes Link, who demands some kind of magic spell, and then bounds away, leaving the old man alone in a dark room once again.<br /><br />What an asshole!<br /><br />There just isn't a whole lot to like about this game. I can't even make fun of it properly--I had to drag out the old elderly-living-in-caves material that I used for my entry about the first Zelda game.<br /><br />I would say that's evidence of this game's uselessness.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-64567550109194422012009-08-07T22:51:00.003-04:002009-08-07T23:15:35.919-04:00Jaws<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmiOCWzfF3nC2n93_KGuwe9XXy5Jr8DX57niyFi9DDhxk5c8INBABwTcD19IS5yFmgflPQ-ohR5ZvzgFcF8oYcxsK508-z7KZbYzWeLCQM_3v9JH0K_dJ0ouAB_LM3ZPvJX49RCSQF8XFt/s1600-h/blog-jaws.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 162px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmiOCWzfF3nC2n93_KGuwe9XXy5Jr8DX57niyFi9DDhxk5c8INBABwTcD19IS5yFmgflPQ-ohR5ZvzgFcF8oYcxsK508-z7KZbYzWeLCQM_3v9JH0K_dJ0ouAB_LM3ZPvJX49RCSQF8XFt/s320/blog-jaws.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5367420473493340978" border="0" /></a><br />Don't call me Ishmael, okay? Because I am not friggin' Ishmael.<br /><br />This game turned me into Ahab.<br /><br />For about 24 hours, maybe less, I developed an obsession with this game. See, I figured out how to up your own power so you could knock down Jaws--you have to go back and forth between the two ports, and if you docked with at least 5 conch shells you upped your power.<br /><br />So there I was, going from port to port, excited that this game that had always vexed me during childhood and made me just throw down the controller, muttering, "This blows!", was about to meet its match: Adult Laura.<br /><br />Adult Laura has the power of logic and reason, of life experience. Some stupid pixelated shark could be no match to my Vulcan-like video game reasoning abilities.<br /><br />Okay, I'm not even remotely Vulcanesque. But you get my point.<br /><br />When, after sailing from port to port and numerous encounters with jellyfish, sting rays, and Jaws hisownself, I finally faced the big bad shark and shot so many of those weird little arrows into his face that his power bar went down to nil.<br /><br />I was pleased.<br /><br />I was pleased, because I thought I had beat the game.<br /><br />But I hadn't. See, once I had knocked down that power bar, the game knocked me into a different screen. It was like looking into the water off the bow of a ship. I figured out that by hitting A, I could make Jaws pop out of the water, and by hitting B, something happened with the ship--it jolted forward.<br /><br />All I can figure is that I'm supposed to make Jaws pop out of the water and them ram him with the damn ship.<br /><br />Oh, did I try--I sailed around the screen, looking for Jaws. I'd find him, get dropped into the water. I would deftly maneuver the diver to and fro, firing madly at Jaws and those smaller sharks that keep popping up.<br /><br />And do you know what would happen, time and time again?<br /><br />A DAMN JELLYFISH WOULD SWIM INTO ME.<br /><br />In my hands, I held the power to kill JAWS. A BIG, EFFING SHARK. And then pow! a jellyfish.<br /><br />J E L L Y F I S H.<br /><br />So do you know what hours of cursing at the screen and shooting the shit out of sharks amounted to? Me being defeated by friggin' jellyfish.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-90405028566552862502009-08-03T22:14:00.002-04:002009-08-06T10:29:53.722-04:00Bad Dudes<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwk9ZlNuUjDWicKotfmI1BQugV16Kg9NOZK4RNrxYuFLpK86AAX3LN3fML8M_1bO20p7EE8hJ-eoebiL5WI4fAvPZyzaETQ7UNn-d1qtmJsRCGZ1qmk3yALy6Ff2AsZgYJLNd35SXryZ-r/s1600-h/blog-bad-dudes.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 176px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwk9ZlNuUjDWicKotfmI1BQugV16Kg9NOZK4RNrxYuFLpK86AAX3LN3fML8M_1bO20p7EE8hJ-eoebiL5WI4fAvPZyzaETQ7UNn-d1qtmJsRCGZ1qmk3yALy6Ff2AsZgYJLNd35SXryZ-r/s320/blog-bad-dudes.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5365926440471708722" border="0" /></a><br />Words will not be enough to describe this game. I have some screen shots that will help me relate the awfulness that was this game to you, the reader, who I will presume never played this game.<br /><br />First of all, after the opening sequence where you pick which dude you'd like to control, you are greeted by this:<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwoms2gH5RRmsK_evRLKp-UmpigXKp2-mlN4LicEAgyXuS_qAg7Qh4XaYIly6wHcz-D1NJBTuo9ob3-Gpo7CcHA-nGRSEHkAgcWnEOH6hBW6ao6jW-WaZ4oHEH143QvYxgZ7fylxOhFnuU/s1600-h/10.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 313px; height: 276px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwoms2gH5RRmsK_evRLKp-UmpigXKp2-mlN4LicEAgyXuS_qAg7Qh4XaYIly6wHcz-D1NJBTuo9ob3-Gpo7CcHA-nGRSEHkAgcWnEOH6hBW6ao6jW-WaZ4oHEH143QvYxgZ7fylxOhFnuU/s320/10.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5365927215249806178" border="0" /></a><br />For such a tragedy to befall the United States of America, this fellow (identified as a Secret Service agent in Wikipedia, and not, as I thought, "some kind of pilot guy") seems very calm. I mean, the president was just captured by friggin' ninjas!<br /><br />I mean...<span style="font-style: italic;">ninjas?</span><br /><br />So you have fight your way through veritable clouds of ninjas who just throw themselves at you as you slowly trudge your way through scene after scene to get to the Dragon Ninja.<br /><br />Without Game Genie codes, I am not a bad enough dude to rescue the president. I couldn't even weed-whack my way through the ninjas with enough energy to beat the boss at the end of the first level. But <span style="font-style: italic;">with</span> the Game Genie codes, I am, indeed, a bad enough dude to rescue the president.<br /><br />So, armed with my cheat codes, I punched, kicked, knifed, and nunchucked my way through level after level. You got your blue ninjas, your grey ninjas, your red ninjas, your...um...teal ninjas, your lady ninjas. You even got your dog ninjas. All of these I knifed with impunity. It's pretty brutal looking, once you pick up the knife for a weapon--you pretty much just end up knifing everyone in the face. At the end of each level, you are rewarded by a satanic computer voice belching at you, "I'm bad!"<br /><br />And at the end of the game, in true NES fashion, you have to beat all the bosses you already vanquished before you can beat the Dragon Ninja. These bosses are pretty odd. The first one's just fat and you have to hit him in the belly; another turns himself into 5 ninjas about three times before you can stop pushing the A button in a frenzy; another fellow with a staff whirls about like a ballerina. And the Dragon ninja himself, well...just take a look.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCNUgRQjzAORZM4pdqAQ9WubctqmdJAsdlmbXT-1CjFGeuhKM9aIPvWhJiu_WAsBsa0wza4LaSBbwd_mWlREx5pxKg-SCkcgDRpqqIDGvrKIYKf2HpSdvPjvyitYOzBnSfv4k3Tjm0v9M2/s1600-h/48.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 372px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCNUgRQjzAORZM4pdqAQ9WubctqmdJAsdlmbXT-1CjFGeuhKM9aIPvWhJiu_WAsBsa0wza4LaSBbwd_mWlREx5pxKg-SCkcgDRpqqIDGvrKIYKf2HpSdvPjvyitYOzBnSfv4k3Tjm0v9M2/s320/48.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5365929849162167714" border="0" /></a><br />That's my dude on the right, and the Dragon Ninja, who I shall from here on out refer to as "Rufio", is hanging out on the helicopter. The helicopter then lifts up into the air, and you have to jump up there and knife the snot out of him. Or nunchuk the snot out of him. Whichever one you've got at the moment. And Rufio goes down pretty easy.<br /><br />After that, the helicopter lands, the president gets out, and you are thanked. This is how your efforts are rewarded:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAh_Z61jWFpuEyJz7knOHrkWsg3-hvVmC-kbhvW0KuM4VBldg9F8g4Y6o08_j4-D0RtIrgeRGFy6pfYrIGzBGyEJk5QZ2f5re038rRNrXt-RSCVQlMkeOkLEDLtV3L2xZP7w3vix5Cw4HA/s1600-h/51.png"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 256px; height: 224px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAh_Z61jWFpuEyJz7knOHrkWsg3-hvVmC-kbhvW0KuM4VBldg9F8g4Y6o08_j4-D0RtIrgeRGFy6pfYrIGzBGyEJk5QZ2f5re038rRNrXt-RSCVQlMkeOkLEDLtV3L2xZP7w3vix5Cw4HA/s320/51.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5365931372407737010" border="0" /></a><br />No parades, no monetary reward, no offer of a job in the Secret Service, where you'll be able to wear the cool gigantic sunglasses and bomber jacket like the fellow who asks you to save the president.<br /><br />Nope. What you get is burgers.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-66667913570384501312009-07-30T22:05:00.000-04:002009-07-30T23:17:51.785-04:00The Legend of Zelda<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh_Y9D2rOI05Ii_oIhb98NI7IUgQ7h731hOOauk-nC_vI47_4TEl9MXA4XdHPL_ZmDAKW3VSfQTR2tRXrne4xn7FCMuMzXUm7tvlwVtgfuAiGnJqDaKDAZr4pYcOm7nq6k-FiMpNguCmry/s1600-h/blog-zelda-NES.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 141px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh_Y9D2rOI05Ii_oIhb98NI7IUgQ7h731hOOauk-nC_vI47_4TEl9MXA4XdHPL_ZmDAKW3VSfQTR2tRXrne4xn7FCMuMzXUm7tvlwVtgfuAiGnJqDaKDAZr4pYcOm7nq6k-FiMpNguCmry/s320/blog-zelda-NES.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5364439954371000338" border="0" /></a>This will be the first of a few posts about 'Legend of Zelda' games. That's because I've played a handful of them. As far as gaming goes for me, this series is a holdover from childhood.<br /><br />A link to the past. Ha!<br /><br />Bad puns aside, the old one still holds strong, happy memories of sitting up late at night in my room, sitting cross-legged in front of my tiny TV, playing NES games into the wee hour of the morning during summer vacation.<br /><br />Thanks to that, I still get "cravings" to play video games into the wee hours of the morning when the weather turns warm.<br /><br />The Legend of Zelda--the original, in that deviant gold casing--was one of the games I played the most. Over and over. I'm not sure why; nothing ever changed. You always killed monsters, stabbed the crap out of Ganon, and saved the princess. It is like many, many other games, and a myriad of folktales.<br /><br />And yet this game was exceptionally fun. There was a challenge in killing the monsters; you could shoot projectile swords; the elderly hang out in caves and dungeons to dispense advice, hand out weaponry, and oversee gambling games.<br /><br />Originally, when I made the up-top graphic for this entry, I thought that I would be musing about the fact that you could shoot with the sword, because the sword is obviously not a projectile weapon unless you have the strength to chuck it at someone--and hit them. But this is all easily explained away by the fact that there is magic all over the game, and the sword must therefore be magic. End of story.<br /><br />I am more interested, at the moment, in the old people who are scattered about the game. Now, when I worked in West Branch, my coworkers and I would sometimes go to a fast food restaurant. At this restaurant, there was always a nasty old woman behind the counter, and I would joke that the restaurant used an "enslave the elderly" program to recruit staff members.<br /><br />I believe the Powers that Be of Hyrule use the same program.<br /><br />Think about it: You've lived well beyond everyone you've ever known. I make this assumption because there's a medieval feeling attached to everything, what with it being a fantasy game and all. And in the medieval era, people made it to about 30 and died somehow. So these old people, they're something special just by virtue of their ability to remain alive.<br /><br />And here we find them hanging around in dank caves and dark rooms, always between two bonfires. And it would seem their only purpose is to hang around, waiting for some plucky adolescent in a ridiculous green hat to show up, waving a sword and various other magical/sacred artifacts around like they're <span style="font-style: italic;">nothing.</span><br /><br />That has <span style="font-style: italic;">got</span> to suck.<br /><br />How would the posting for that job ad read? Well, here's my idea:<br /><br />"WANT TO SERVE YOUR KINGDOM? No manual labor, plenty of cooking fire. Training provided. Must have ability to wait long periods of time. Send inquiries by carrier pigeon to GUY IN CAVE, S.E. HYRULE. Great position for retirees!"<br /><br />And, of course, Hyrule's few elderly folk fell for the trap. Only a couple of old women had the foresight to make any kind of profit from the deal. One of them sells red and blue liquids which she claims are potions, but I personally think they're some kind of energy drink that makes the little green gelfling on screen so hyper that he only <span style="font-style: italic;">thinks</span> his life energy has been restored, but really he's just hopped up on guarana and caffeine and berserking on squirrels that he thinks are peahats.<br /><br />Imagine that sight for the old guy's who's waiting for some kid to arrive so he can tell said kid that Dodongo hates smoke, but finds some little turd hopped up on roofies (here to mean, guarana and caffeine) who, as previously mentioned, is swinging a sword around.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-40917702261591169672009-07-27T22:38:00.001-04:002009-08-03T23:50:20.972-04:00The Sims 2<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipzHC-tKS3fUs-gjpAwuoDST4bvGC3rdtzFyIuZ9GUlc0efh48ASf0s-m84JWWnT3YQwlIMKpgOiho9Q2nvWflFbKRpPxLG3TNURPWlYhTMiBV_Qdi1Oy6fDbzT807nCnCFPokdW1az7B4/s1600-h/blog-sims-2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 163px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipzHC-tKS3fUs-gjpAwuoDST4bvGC3rdtzFyIuZ9GUlc0efh48ASf0s-m84JWWnT3YQwlIMKpgOiho9Q2nvWflFbKRpPxLG3TNURPWlYhTMiBV_Qdi1Oy6fDbzT807nCnCFPokdW1az7B4/s320/blog-sims-2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5363334898755061570" border="0" /></a><br />If you haven't read my entry on The Sims, take a minute to do so. It'll set the tone. The mood. The climate. The, er, background stuff.<br /><br />So anyway. You already know that when it comes to playing the Sims, I'm a sick, sick, sadistic freak. Doubly so with The Sims 2.<br /><br />Of course I looked up the cheat codes right away. I didn't want to waste any time with making my Sim get a job, saving up money, and <span style="font-style: italic;">earning</span> a cool house. That's for schmucks. I want free money!<br /><br />And yes, my fascination with the undead continued. I created a Sim just to kill in the pool, so that there would be a haunted house.<br /><br />Then I removed the ladder and watched the poor, be-mulletted bastard paddle around in the pool for days.<br /><br />"Why are you watching this?" my fiance asked me more than once. I don't think I had any kind of satisfactory answer.<br /><br />Now, when I found out there were vampires in The Sims 2, I was intrigued. Okay, maybe "geeked" is a better word. At first, I thought that making a vampire was just making a gothy-looking Sim. Oh, no no no. They can be an actual blood-sucking undead, bat-transforming freak.<br /><br />But to make your Sim a vampire, you have to go to a community lot, find a vampire, befriend said vampire, and then MAYBE they will bite you and turn you into a vampire.<br /><br />Well, fuck that. My fiance found a cheat code, and behold--there were vampires in Strangeville. Or Strange Town. Or whatever it's called.<br /><br />We started with a vampire teenager. His dad was a man whose wife had left him for a vampire, was afraid of vampires, and had to live with his damn vampire son and mother. So we had some fun, and found out that our vampire teenager--transformed by the magic of a cheat code--could turn into a bat, stalk about the house, and smoke when he flew outside into the sun.<br /><br />We also discovered that, when he was hungry, the vampire would make a sandwich, not eat it, and pantomime that he was hungry.<br /><br />Later, we used the vampire cheat on the dad. Turns out that in The Sims 2, when all of a Sim's fears are realized, they go bat-shit crazy. As in, a psychiatrist appears to treat the Sim.<br /><br />I declared this "cool."<br /><br />On another vampire adventure, we decided to create a whole vampire family. A vampire mom, a vampire dad, and an adorable vampire toddler dressed in a black suit.<br /><br />Well, we were able to turn the adults into vampires, but sadly, the toddler had to remain human. Even the cheat code creators have limits.<br /><br />I do not.<br /><br />So we build a house for this vampire family, and by some glitch I level the terrain incorrectly and make it so the family can't go inside the house. We watched as the couple burned to death in the sun, unable to figure out why they just didn't go inside the damn house, and each turned into a pile of ashes, leaving behind their infant son. The kid then crawled around outside the house for a little while, happily splashing around in a puddle of what I presume was his own urine.<br /><br />Don't worry about the tot, though; a social worker came and picked him up.<br /><br />Throughout the whole thing, my fiance looked on in horror. I, however, thought it was <span style="font-weight: bold;">hilarious.</span><br /><br />I'm <span style="font-weight: bold;">very</span> sick. Sick, sick, sick.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-46760096194227633882009-07-27T22:10:00.000-04:002009-07-27T22:37:58.834-04:00The Sims<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP7sJVzqORGnVqdn1LSMNPrtJ70wNGkogZH6oJHfIYmlLzQMUQhydbI6V0vNtqasX4HBjXnPGdZiSHBz3qEQwIlGjZ0qrMyD1j4kA9YC-rGUt8CP0A4xGBIGB22iL22jeLnuA1Vjd9-vh_/s1600-h/blog-sims.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 163px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP7sJVzqORGnVqdn1LSMNPrtJ70wNGkogZH6oJHfIYmlLzQMUQhydbI6V0vNtqasX4HBjXnPGdZiSHBz3qEQwIlGjZ0qrMyD1j4kA9YC-rGUt8CP0A4xGBIGB22iL22jeLnuA1Vjd9-vh_/s320/blog-sims.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5363329600895492082" border="0" /></a><br />Let me say this right now: The Sims is no fun without using cheat codes. If you do not use cheats to give yourself all the money in the world, then it's like playing Pretend Real Life. And Real Life sucks enough without being reminded of it by some stupid little simulated human who just babbles at you and pees on the floor, no matter how many times you click on the damn toilet.<br /><br />Also in playing this game, I discovered that I am sick. Sick, sick, sick. I mean, I got the cheat codes, learned how to play the game, tried playing it the real way a few times, and then decided I wanted to see what else this thing could do.<br /><br />I think, in the end, I broke up about 40 marriages, created 18 neighborhood feuds (insofar as that is possible, anyway), turned several people into frogs with the Makin' Magic expansion, and killed countless Sims just so that there would be a few haunted houses on the block. And I cackled the whole way.<br /><br />I'm sick. Sick, sick, sick.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-35633152121770415422009-07-26T12:46:00.000-04:002009-07-29T10:53:45.587-04:00River City Ransom<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih5KEpHD5L6E0xrU9lfqfGUwhwnNAo98Rdo6ALA0prN_mWyAftRk-QNEkBE0wOa84Vdp3Ht6c_pjKBb_PjxnJltZG5mcXFVOqjWdpsrADq8amW53EFPFEajNriY_ICHnvRK9nFA9A_iSlR/s1600-h/blog-rivercityransom.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 132px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih5KEpHD5L6E0xrU9lfqfGUwhwnNAo98Rdo6ALA0prN_mWyAftRk-QNEkBE0wOa84Vdp3Ht6c_pjKBb_PjxnJltZG5mcXFVOqjWdpsrADq8amW53EFPFEajNriY_ICHnvRK9nFA9A_iSlR/s320/blog-rivercityransom.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5362811516439645362" border="0" /></a><br />This was, for a while, my favorite game to play after a bad day at work. Because all you do in this game is beat the ever-loving snot out of people.<br /><br />Now, they have it coming--they're all punk-ass gang members. Not quite as hardcore as, say, the Bloods or Crips, but certainly as angry and lethal as the ones in West Side Story, but, sadly, without all the dancing and catchy tunes.<br /><br />The whole plot here is you control some dude who has to save his girlfriend and fight his way to the high school through hordes of different gangs. And I do mean hordes. By sheer numbers alone, you would have to assume that the city's entire male youth population is taken up by gang membership.<br /><br />As you go through the game, you can either punch your opponents and take any weapons they have, or you can sometimes find them just laying around on the ground. You have a choice of 2x4s, lead pipes, brass knuckles, crates, trash cans, and chains.<br /><br />The chain was always my favorite, because it's the closest thing the game has to a projectile weapon. Some punk-ass comes running at you, and you can just whip the chain and whack him in the head before he even comes close to you. And these guys will always say something. Sometimes it's "Mommy!", and sometimes it's the more cryptic "Barf!"<br /><br />This is also the only game I have every played where, among the various items you can use to restore your life energy, CDs work. You go to the malls--which are teeming with what must be the girlfriends of all these gang members, but they don't care that you're the only guy running around there--buy a CD, somehow listen to it in the heat of battle, and find your energy restored.<br /><br />Once soothed by the sounds of classical/rock/R&B/country music, you can go back to whipping the shit out people with the awesome, fantastic chain.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-52959547663902839202009-07-26T12:39:00.000-04:002009-07-26T12:46:36.814-04:00Black and White<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHJQjbnsrJbeeOK2u7dJ0ymVB9yLK8FTDsgBTFFk9ZG7FIiqdoiaUiAM5BmOIl3m4htw5Gt0oqHDVUyNC36WIDbnj9j06R9iBZ_mSxI5xUm3s45sRG77vIqBIguJGs09Zq7SXvEMH8aoET/s1600-h/blog-black-and-white.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 158px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHJQjbnsrJbeeOK2u7dJ0ymVB9yLK8FTDsgBTFFk9ZG7FIiqdoiaUiAM5BmOIl3m4htw5Gt0oqHDVUyNC36WIDbnj9j06R9iBZ_mSxI5xUm3s45sRG77vIqBIguJGs09Zq7SXvEMH8aoET/s320/blog-black-and-white.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5362809943277773634" border="0" /></a><br />The Penny Arcade guys said that the only remarkable thing about this game is the creatures, and they were right.<br /><br />There's nothing quite as fun as having a 20-foot tall pet/minion who can pick up a whole cow (or human, for that matter) and just pop it into his mouth like a friggin' bonbon. Or a pet that can destroy a house just by pooing against it.<br /><br />Now, here's the odd thing that always, ALWAYS happened when I played this game. I would end up with a creature who was aligned on the side of good, because I don't take any of that backtalk shit from a giant monkey. He acted bad, he got bitch slapped. But, if you as a deity don't always follow the strictest of moral rules, your hand icon gets veiny and sprouts claws. So I'd end up an evil deity with a very ethical minion.<br /><br />Then again, I never had any trouble picking up people who were badmouthing me and just flinging them toward the horizon.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-46487181536427410072009-07-26T12:31:00.000-04:002009-07-26T12:38:24.886-04:00Wii Sports<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBQhvnzJOwg_odMgxiL7-sMBg7qZt7d5rPhAXInqbIpV6VHvaoqDrexQrML-mUCWnIApi-p3prEot-to4JEaQ2U9Mnq80FgkUVV4oRSm43Mw4cVk5m1xPhKQ4-D1Ft07crVVuGeV3MV6qf/s1600-h/blog-wii-sports.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 186px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBQhvnzJOwg_odMgxiL7-sMBg7qZt7d5rPhAXInqbIpV6VHvaoqDrexQrML-mUCWnIApi-p3prEot-to4JEaQ2U9Mnq80FgkUVV4oRSm43Mw4cVk5m1xPhKQ4-D1Ft07crVVuGeV3MV6qf/s320/blog-wii-sports.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5362807709025692274" border="0" /></a>It had been a long time since a game had brought out such an intense competitive streak in my personality, but there was just something about playing sports through those little Miis that just made me want blood.<br /><br />It started with the boxing game, where you get to beat the tar out of your opponent. And at the start, I was pretty good at it--trouncing over almost anyone who dared challenge me. (Don't worry, I did eventually get my ass kicked.)<br /><br />It all just kept rolling downhill from there, and now I can't really even get my fiance to play Wii Sports with me. So now I'm left to just scream, "I WILL DESTROY YOU!" at whoever the computer will pit me against.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-59427053043478031692009-07-25T13:37:00.001-04:002009-07-26T12:37:53.986-04:00Illusion of Gaia<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEireRitoqQbUHAj2ip7VvgjKVLZE_mDNENEtD5akbssjhr4ZH6_d_soJWKYeITMHOB1PsH6L36XBUT4KoQdnhNPyVPloV2waB1DyazSFaCzccfWw1en45L8PFBs-g598SJUnyqq2dZHYULY/s1600-h/blog-gaia.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 162px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEireRitoqQbUHAj2ip7VvgjKVLZE_mDNENEtD5akbssjhr4ZH6_d_soJWKYeITMHOB1PsH6L36XBUT4KoQdnhNPyVPloV2waB1DyazSFaCzccfWw1en45L8PFBs-g598SJUnyqq2dZHYULY/s320/blog-gaia.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5362454654668686402" border="0" /></a><br />Again, we have a Japanese game where the main character is a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy. Again with the yin-yang universe crap. But here's the fun part: You bludgeon your enemies to death with a <span style="font-style: italic;">flute.</span><br /><br />You're an adolescent bad-ass with a flute and psychic powers! Hellz yeah!!!<br /><br />I'm not going to go too much into the plot here. This game was made by the same folks who brought us Terranigma, so there are some similarities. (Okay, a LOT.) The main character's name here is Will, he's telekinetic, and he has a bunch of useless friends who tag along with him as he explores various ruins looking for his dad or something. You really don't care.<br /><br />There's a princess involved, but the unique twist with this game is that she has a pet pig who, late in the game, throws itself on a fire to feed some hungry villagers in Cambodia. This totally makes the game worth playing, just to see that moment. You can almost smell the sizzling pork. Actually, as I write this, it's making me a little hungry.<br /><br />So what I'd really like to focus on here is just how useless buddies can be in video games. I know that in a lot of games, when the controlled character is paired up with someone, that partner plays some sort of function like, I don't know, carrying all of the shit you accumulate on your journey. They must have access to some magic portal that leads to a dimension containing the most organized closet ever. But not Will. Nope. His stuff just hangs out somewhere, presumably the Dark Space that they keep babbling about in the game. And his friends just tag along, two girls fight over him.<br /><br />As the game goes on, Will's buddies reunite with him on some legendary Incan ship, and one of them falls into the ocean and gets swallowed by something called a Riverson. I'm thinking it's a big fish or something. Then they just get picked off one by one by various things and annoy you, the player, along the way. Will, onscreen, seems to take this all in stride, probably because he's essentially just an amalgamation of pixels.<br /><br />After getting your ship destroyed by some monster that ate your buddy, you end up floating on a chunk of wood with the princess, eating raw fish, and getting scurvy. You drift into a town, reunite with all your buddies (except the dead one, of course), and have to get one of your buddies' memory back.<br /><br />Then there's an adventure involving going through a vampire couples' underwater palace. What they're doing underwater, I don't know. But when you make your escape through some tunnels, someone starts banging on the damn walls from the outside. Turns out it's your dead buddy, who has been reincarnated into the Riverson somehow. I'm still not sure how that works out.<br /><br />You do that, then wander over to another town, where another buddy finds his papa. Two buddies stay behind. But always tagging along is the damn princess.<br /><br />I can't even remember how the last buddy drops off. Maybe you just leave him somewhere in the desert.<br /><br />Luckily, though, you generally only have to babysit the buds between levels. You don't have to herd them about while whacking the shit out monsters with your damn flute.<br /><br />And speaking of the damn flute, every time Will has to use his telekinetic abilities, he twirls it. He twirls it two-fisted like he's at the head of the most bizarre parade ever.<br /><br />Maybe I'm obsessing about the flute a little too much. As the game goes on, Will can change shapes into some kind of pupil-less knight and plasmic being, so the flute will not be your only weapon. But it's all Will's got in his normal form. He's got telekinesis and a flute.<br /><br />Can you imagine what happened when those monsters went to their afterlife?<br /><br />Monster 1: "I got stabbed by a sword. What happened to you?"<br /><br />Monster 2: "Oh, burnt to a crisp by a fireball spell. What about you, Mr. Skeleton?"<br /><br />Monster 3: "Some damn kid bludgeoned me to death with his purple flute."<br /><br />Monsters 1 and 2: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A BITCH-ASS WAY TO DIE!"<br /><br />And so Monster 3 is teased for eternity. Hope you're happy, Mr. Bludgeons-Everything-With-A-Flute.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885193053870227686.post-48029571071568951602009-07-24T23:16:00.001-04:002009-07-25T00:09:17.065-04:00Terranigma<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZribqQQp3p6XwXYCcmR9Qc1aeyD2X2Bh7KPg1EFLzdh2es_1vXYmOnpuT9Th2QPQOCXx3EN2Cx-NzP3XXaPv0qEJDUwcorm1_o_i3cy9eQ7k4LXQCg8ZjYDEXjjMq3D8X4n0JlJ63vUly/s1600-h/blog-terranigma.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 174px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZribqQQp3p6XwXYCcmR9Qc1aeyD2X2Bh7KPg1EFLzdh2es_1vXYmOnpuT9Th2QPQOCXx3EN2Cx-NzP3XXaPv0qEJDUwcorm1_o_i3cy9eQ7k4LXQCg8ZjYDEXjjMq3D8X4n0JlJ63vUly/s320/blog-terranigma.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5362231573412699506" border="0" /></a><br />So you battle your way through monsters galore, face down communists, and revive and develop the worlds major cities, sit through Buddhism 101 and all for what--to face a gigantic, satanic <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Mothra</span> at the very end?<br /><br />That's kind of what happens in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Terranigma</span>. Here's the basic plot: Your name, inexplicably, is Ark. (I've tried to figure out if there's some kind of significance to this, but as far as I know Ark doesn't get coated in gold leaf and house any holy commandments.) Old guy in your village sends you on a journey which will ultimately revive the world. But the journey starts out with a trip around the five towers outside of your village, where you will encounter a guy who's just a few spikes shy of looking like Shredder. You kill a gigantic insect monster. And this means that you're ready to revive the world above with the help of a weird little pink ball with wings named Yomi.<br /><br />Now, to get to the upper world, you have to say goodbye to your girlfriend and jump into a giant crevasse. As it turns out, you've been living underneath the surface of Earth, just hanging out there, and not getting burned alive by magma.<br /><br />Despite the way I've been writing here, I actually enjoy this game. Like most <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">RPG</span> games, the plot is a little ridiculous. There's romance in the air. There's drama. There's killing lots of monsters, which is the entire point of most video games.<br /><br />So when you get up to the surface, you first have to revive all the plants, which you do by killing a giant parasitic monster choking some kind of giant tree that talks to you. And the plants talk to you, too. And one of the flowers even sings you a song. Now, the appearance of the plants is kind of a mystery, but this happens throughout each of these revival missions: you kill the boss, emerge from wherever you where, and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">everything's</span> suddenly, conveniently revived. One minute the earth's surface is a volcanic wasteland; the next, it's covered in green.<br /><br />The next mission: Revive the world's birds. Here, I just want to not that the state boss is two giant birds, and one of them uses its poo as a weapon. You got it: lethal bird shit.<br /><br />Then you revive the animals, which is followed up by a mini-mission in which you help a lion cub become king. (No, the cub's name is not <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Simba</span>.)<br /><br />And now for reviving the human race. You get to climb through the Himalayas, talk to Yetis, and eat a dead, frozen goat after being urged to do so by its surviving mate.<br /><br />And then you revive the human race, fall into a deep sleep, and wake up in a town called Lhasa. This begins the main adventure. You get to make friends with a Buddhist monk, save a girl from a village full of her zombie playmates, wander around the world a bit, get killed, get reincarnated, and then go kill Satanic <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Mothra</span>.<br /><br />I'm not kidding. The final boss is a big flying moth-man, and all you have to kill him with is a big stick. Is it any wonder I was using cheat codes?<br /><br />So enough with the plot layout. And there is quite a plot attached to this game. But here, you do see some themes that are going to pop up in Japanese games: yin-yang duality, blond-haired blue-eyed youths, and general f***ed-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">upedness</span>.<br /><br />Now, when I played the game for the first time and encountered several world cultures through the game, as written up by Japanese game developers, I learned that they saw the world like this: 1. Paris is awesome; 2. Buddhism is awesome; 3. Tourism is awesome; 4. Americans do nothing but work; and 5. Ridiculing the Chinese is A-okay!<br /><br />I'm going to elaborate on point 5 here. Now, as Ark makes his way around the world, every world culture and even the plants and animals are more articulate than the people you meet in the game's equivalent of Beijing. The buildings are squat an unattractive; there are flies circling bare <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">light bulbs</span> hanging from the ceilings. The doctor uses traditional medicines and has weird things in jars in his office. And the Chinese characters speak in broken English. Now, in the game, the French don't do that, the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Portuguese</span> and Spaniards and Japanese speak perfectly. Only the Chinese people's dialogue has been translated as all broken up.<br /><br />Not cool, Japan. Not cool.<br /><br />But the Japanese get their comeuppance: Not too long after it appears on the map, Tokyo is destroyed. I suppose that just happens from time to time, and the residents there are quite used to it by now.<br /><br />Other little gems you get to see: a sassy '90's black kid on a skate board, communists that look like KKK members, a chicken race, an Aussie zoo, and Christopher Columbus.<br /><br />If you're looking for an old game to play and relive the SNES days, I'd recommend checking this one out. It's pretty big, world-wise, for an SNES game, and lots of fun little missions to go on. And, in pre-destroyed Tokyo, you can find where the software company has actually written itself into the game, and is staffed by (if I remember correctly) a bunch of chickens.<br /><br />As you develop the world, you also get to explore the US. There are two major cities to visit in the game's version of the US: Freedom, roughly where Washington DC is and seems to be more like NYC; and Nirlake, which is roughly where Chicago is and seems to be a cross (pre-development, anyway) between Crossroads Village and, well, Nebraska.<br /><br />And, at the very end, you face Satanic Mothra.Laurahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04930498818543695393noreply@blogger.com0